lately i've been feeling... alienated, for lack of a better word. it's the time of the year that all the work deadlines come together in sequence, and all the things i'm good at and the things i'm bad at come to a head. It's like an overextended position full of stopping problems, where in retrospect or in the aftermath each of your mistakes appear obvious. But here in the present that will be the future's past, obvious is the furthest thing from it. It takes a lot of physical and mental energy to be an oracle anticipating your own mistakes or reacting in advance of other people's, which doesn't mean it's impossible. but it is exhausting. I've started taking these two, three hour naps in the evening just to keep up, but there's only so long your body and mind can exist in tension. even if the telos is clear, you still have to get there, from here