• She/Her

best known for playing chili the fox and owning a legal winrar license

avatar and pfp by: https://cohost.org/Veldrin


and as is often the case when I am overtired, my thoughts turned to religion

I am religious. I was raised Christian (Mennonite, if you're curious) and although my relationship to "church" has never been one of comfort, I have kept my faith, primarily by consciously choosing to break from most organized religion altogether.

My main problem with most christian perspectives, at least the ones that are common here in the upper midwest of America, is in the way they understand God and His relationship with us. Time and again I hear people talk about God's will. When bad things happen it was simply God's will. When good things happen, it's through the grace of God. We are told constantly to act in accordance with God's will. I understand that for many, this is a comforting thought, but to me, it undermines the whole of human experience.

I believe free will exists. I believe, in the context of the Christian faith, free will is the underpinning of the whole thing. Our relationship to God is treated in the bible on many occasions as one of parent and child, and just like earthly parental relationships, the most important thing about the relationship, is that your child is not you. The joy and reward of having a child is bringing into this world a fully autonomous human being, creating someone unique with all the potential that brings, for good and ill. A parent's job is to do everything they can to help their child grow up healthy and strong, and teach them how to bring out that good potential, and avoid the ills. This, to me, is fundamental to who we are, why we are here. If we are God's children, it seems imperative that we have control over our own lives
Most Christians believe that nothing happens but for God's will. I believe this too, but the literal approach, to me, seems incompatible with our role as his children. Anyone with any amount of experience in child development will tell you that maintaining rigid control over your child's life will not benefit the child, they cannot grow into healthy, capable adults if they are denied the ability to make decisions for themselves, to make mistakes and learn and grow from them. If God controls every aspect of our lives, then our lives have no true purpose, this whole experience is for naught. If, as many Christians have told me, all things happen because God wanted them to, and we are tasked to do what He wants us to, despite the fact that what He wants us to is not always clear in a given moment, that is not a situation created by someone who loves us. How can every bad thing that happens be God's will, when so many of the bad things that happen are a result of human choices? Especially when these same people tell me that MY choices can go against God's will. That is not simply a test of faith. That is a form of psychological torture. An impossible situation we are doomed to fail. I cannot believe in a God who would do that to us.

To me it seems obvious, it seems like the only POSSIBLE way for this life to make any sense if a loving God exists, that we are, not necessarily on our own, but in a supervised but largely-hands-off world. The thing that happen happen by God's will because He allows them to, but he does not direct the world. He allows it to happen, he allows us to make decisions, and let those things play out. I believe that He can intervene, and the bible gives us stories of times when He has, but these interventions are rare, because the point of this world is to give us the space to Figure It Out. The bible is our guidance, teaching us ways to live that can lead us towards good outcomes, but it's up to us to make those decisions.

Obviously we all know that faith can be coopted. And a lot of the more literal interpretations of God's Will are a very convenient belief when they are being stated by people who claim they are the ones who know what God's Will is. But the prevalence of this general belief really disturbs and frustrates me. It bothered me when I was 14 and thinking about how, not only do a majority of people in the world not share the same religion at all, but even within one of the majority faiths, there are extreme deviations in how that faith is believed specifically. And most people's faith is largely defined by the faith of their forefathers. How can anyone believe in a God who loves everyone if you also believe that the only way to be rewarded after your time on Earth is to be lucky enough to be born to the right people? We are told that all lives are sacred, but that can only be true if all lives have an honest chance of salvation.

Of course these sorts of thoughts always come back around, these days, to the fact that I'm trans. So many people believe that to be trans (or gay, or politically liberal, or any number of other personal attributes) is to defy God's will. That God's plan for us was set the moment we were born and that we can make wrong choices that defy God's will (again, it's notable how their understanding of what God's will is correlates perfectly to THEIR chosen beliefs, even when it's a matter of YOUR life). And certainly I also believe this, to some degree. When we live selfishly, when we hurt others, or allow others to suffer for our benefit, we are actively defying God's plan for us, as made crystal clear by His teachings. But God didn't declare me a boy upon my birth. God didn't name me. Human beings made those choices. Human beings decided what it means to be a boy. Decided how we should look, how we should act. What should it matter to a loving God what I call myself. How I choose for my body to look. A body he gave me for my use on Earth, and that I will shed when I leave this life. If it is truly mine, why should I not do with it whatever I choose, so long as I am using it to carry out His will? If I am living my life with compassion, helping others wherever I can, fighting for the downtrodden, doing all I can to enable others to live their best lives as well, if I am making choices for myself that enable me to do these things better, why would God not celebrate this?

I guess what it comes down to, is what you truly, fundamentally believe in. I believe in a world where we have all the power but not all the control. Where we are called to live our best lives in a world that is largely autonomous, guided by the teachings of our God, but left to figure out the details on our own. I believe that our desires, our intentions, and what we do to impact others, is what matters. Many others believe in rules, in following them. Everything else comes second to that. And I can't help but see all the problems that arise from this. And it pains me.


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