When I came out as gay to my family, it went pretty poorly. The silver linings were that I was already an independent adult, and I had a solid support system, so while disappointing, not life threatening or even really materially life altering. There was just an intense sadness that these people who I thought, and took comfort in thinking, were the same as me in so many ways, were really very different from me in the most important way - caring about someone even if they're different.
Time heals all though, and when I came out as trans a couple years ago, everyone was generally positive albeit confused. None of them are particularly trans positive, and I doubt any of them get my pronouns right (or my spouse's gender neutral pronouns right) but it's better than some of the outright hostility I got from them about a decade ago.
This year, I've thought a lot about how much I assume about my four siblings and my parents, and how while it may be true, it's probably poor form to not at least give them the courtesy of asking about their social and political beliefs. I also don't want to just dive into interrogating anyone so I made an effort eight months ago to start regular calls with my two sisters and my mom. My oldest brother I have no idea how to breach a conversation with because we just have so little in common, and my brother closest in age to me I tried to schedule a monthly hour of game playing together, since that was our shared hobby when we were younger. He's adamant he doesn't have that kind of time and I replied honestly that it was really disappointing to hear that since I was just trying to connect with him. He never replied.
In the same vein as assuming too much, we have a family reunion every two years that I've skipped every time, mostly due to logistics (it's on the opposite side of North America as me, COVID, money) but also because I've just assumed it was going to be a horrible time talking to people who are centrist at best, conservative at worst, not queer, and potentially anti-vaccines. The next family reunion is next year, my sister has been talking to me about it, trying to convince me to consider going. My spouse and I haven't been on a plane since 2019 but after talking about it, we're ready to roll the dice and take a chance, to give my family a chance.
I realized the one due diligence check I needed to do was at least RSVP on the contingency that everyone has had a primary series of COVID vaccines. I reply to the group email with that boundary, and lo and behold, siblings start replying that their kids aren't vaccinated. Not all of them - the sister that wants me to come, all of her family is vaccinated. And one brother's family is mostly vaccinated, which makes me think maybe the youngest kid who isn't really does have an allergy or myocarditis/pericarditis; we're not close so I've never heard about it and won't rule it out. But my video game brother, the guy I idolized my entire childhood, none of his chronically ill children are vaccinated. To be fair, maybe they all have an allergy. Maybe they all have myocarditis/pericarditis. I didn't ask, because it doesn't materially change our reality - we're not going to share a house with unvaccinated people, particularly kids who are around a lot of illness in school.
Anyway, I just find myself feeling the deep seated disappointment I felt a decade ago when I came out as gay. Sure, in these ten years, I knew my family was pretty conservative, mildly bigoted, but I thought we were all at least smart. Not even that, I guess. After reading the reply emails out loud to my spouse, they said, "well, they have a year 'til the reunion, these are just early planning stages. Maybe something will change by then." I scoffed - if they haven't gotten a vaccine in the past three years out of concern for their children's safety, they're certainly not going to get vaccines for me.
The current plan is to try and find a small house to rent near the big house they want to rent, and we'll meet up with them for outdoor activities. Even that is beginning to stress me out because what, I'm just supposed to spend a handful of day with these people ignoring the fact that they don't vaccinate their kids? I'm too autistic for that. I don't play phony well. The only hope I have, short of just changing my mind, not coming at all, and devastating my mother, is that there won't be any smaller houses available to rent near them and we'll have to opt out at no fault of my own.
The other asterisk I never pursued is the brother-in-law who told me when I came out as gay that I'm not allowed in his house with his children. I never heard an update on that one, haven't talked to him in a decade. Not sure that I'd have a very enjoyable vacation if he were around regardless; I don't know if he's coming, they're the last family that hasn't replied to the email thread. Everyone assumed that would be the family without any vaccinations, but the fact that it's also my brother, I just... am so disappointed. All these people, who meant the world to me, don't care at all about people like me, now in more ways that I even knew. Making it even worse to me is that they don't even realize how little their words don't match their actions. Just really sad. I wish I had an eloquent wrap-up but I feel so deflated.
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