A lot of the trans content I get served on TikTok & Twitter is from gorgeous trans women (win) talking about how every trans woman spends the first year of her transition messing around with makeup and dressing ultra femme. Referring to them as “baby trans”. They grow out of it after that time, find their identity and all have this style that fits them flawlessly.
And I… never had that? I’m in the third year of my transition and I still feel uncomfortable putting on makeup for fear of getting it wrong. I mostly wear the boring “male” styles I wore before I came out. I’ve had the same hair style for these 2 and a half years. I don’t know what my style is and experimenting sounds incredible and fun and therapeutic but all this content scares me that I’m doing it too late? That people are expecting me to be a guide now, even if I didn’t have the journey.
And obviously I should just ignore this. I should just live my life. But in a society that constantly demonises trans people and places a huge amount of importance on “passing”, it’s impossible to not be aware of it. I feel like I missed the boat. I feel like I’m too late. I have many issues with my body beyond my femininity, and they hold me back even further. It’s hard to wear a skirt I bought because I am judging myself for wearing it. I was living with my parents, who love and support me, and I was practically sprinting through the house so they would barely see me in it.
I just feel like everyone is surprised and disappointed that I don’t look more femme after all this time. I still get misgendered, and of course I will, but it all scares me into even trying to improve, because I should have done it by now.
I don’t hate this content I’m being served, and I don’t hate the women saying it, I just wish some people wouldn’t treat the trans experience as something universal.