• she/her

Principal engineer at Mercury. I've authored the Dhall configuration language, the Haskell for all blog, and countless packages and keynote presentations.

I'm a midwife to the hidden beauty in everything.

💖 @wiredaemon


discord
Gabriella439
discord server
discord.gg/XS5ZDZ8nnp
location
bay area
private page
cohost.org/newmoon

For me the emotional changes on HRT were the biggest reason I sought HRT (of course, feminizing my body was a very large plus). Even though I didn't know exactly how it would pan out I had some rough idea that it would be going in the right direction before I began. I definitely felt emotionally "broken" and everything I had heard about HRT seemed to line up with what I thought I was looking for. That plus other major signs of being trans gave me the courage to make the push to begin HRT and stick with it until the emotional changes kicked in.

I'm still not close to done with HRT: I am 9 months in, albeit with a slower progression than most. However, I've already seen enough emotional changes to know that this was right for me. I'm sharing what I've experienced so far because nothing I read fully prepared me for what it would be like.


The biggest changes I've noticed so far are:

  1. Significantly reduced anxiety

    I feel much more comfortable in my own skin. This was probably the very first improvement I experienced (within a week or two), although it was pretty weak at first and I also suspect it was partly a cognitive reaction to beginning HRT rather than an actual biochemical consequence of estrogen because I began on a pretty low dose for a few months.

    The effect became more pronounced as time goes on, to the point where I'm now so much more at peace. Before I felt like I was constantly on edge or disturbed and I always had to keep myself busy and distracted to drown out my discomfort. Now I can sit comfortably with myself and I act far less compulsively.

  2. Greater emotional accessibility

    I think most people who are tangentially familiar with feminizing HRT already know about this one. For example, it was really difficult for me to cry pre-HRT, even when I needed to cry really badly and now the tears come when I need them. All my emotions are stronger and more obvious now.

    This means that emotions play a greater role in my decision-making process. For example, if something's not working for me I notice much sooner than I would before (where previously I would likely power through it). Or to put it another way, the "little nagging voice in my head" is now louder.

    This took a few months for me and the first time I really noticed the difference was when hearing about the death of someone I didn't know that well really got to me and made me cry (something that would never happen before).

  3. "Stubborn" emotions

    I like to make an analogy to phone notifications. Before HRT my emotions kind of felt like most phone notifications; I could swipe to dismiss them. Now some uncomfortable emotions feel like those stubborn notifications that you can't swipe to dismiss. Typically I have to process those emotions or reach out to someone else before those emotions can go away; I can't just ignore them as easily as I could before.

    The first time this happened to me (also a few months in) I actually panicked because I wasn't used to having an emotion be "stuck" like that. It feels a bit overwhelming and scary at first, especially if like me you're not expecting it.

    This happens for good emotions, too! Some good feelings become much more persistent and fade away more slowly. To borrow sexual terminology, it's like these positive emotions have a longer refractory period.

  4. Arousal

    Every once in a while when I'm in a particularly good/cozy state of mind I will vibe pretty hard, much nicer than anything I've experienced pre-HRT. This for me was the strongest and clearest sign that HRT was right for me; when I felt it I was like "Finally! This is my emotional home where I belonged that I was searching for after all this wandering".

    The overall feeling is arousal (not necessarily sexual arousal) where everything about me (senses, emotions, purpose) feel significantly heightened. The closest other thing I can liken it to is sort of like drinking coffee (I don't usually drink coffee, but when I do it's a somewhat similar sensation).

    The biggest difference compared to drinking coffee is that it feels more vulnerable(?), kind of like this emoji: 😳. I feel like blushing and being emotionally intimate with others (again, not completely sexual). It's kind of like I just feel really inspired to make wonderful/beautiful things happen.

    It took me about 7 months on HRT before I reached this point.

  5. Biological clock

    I wrote about this previously here, but I feel like my biological "clock" went dormant when I began masculinizing puberty and then started up again when I began HRT. Before HRT I was temperamentally "not an adult" (not even a teenager, really) and I resented doing things that teenagers or adults were supposed to do and now I suddenly crave all those things.


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