… in a lot of ways. In particular, Chapter 10 ("Imprisoned by a Word") really made me feel seen.
For example, "love is a violent word" is something that resonates really hard with me:
… because my whole life I've been the subject of other people's intense and unhealthy love/adoration/desire (whether they're romantic partners, parents, or people who admire me as a minor celebrity) and it's really fucked me up in ways that I'm still recovering from. That sort of unhealthy love is often accompanied by unrealistic expectations that have materially harmed me. Touko says it really well in the following panels:
I've been a victim of exactly that sort of love that "imprisons me with a word". What I really need is to be treated as a real person with flaws and weaknesses and for others to hold space for me to let them down, but I'm often treated like a flawless statue and put on a pedestal, not given the room to grow, stumble, and change because people have pinned their hopes and dreams on me.
One of the ways this has fucked me up is in relationships: being the victim of unhealthy romantic love has left me with major "romantic control" issues. By that I mean that (A) I react badly to others placing any sort of romantic expectation on me even as I (B) strongly place romantic expectations on them. In other words, I have a tendency to pass on my trauma onto others by seeking relationships where I have all the romantic control. I recognize this is unfair (and I work to counteract it), but regardless it's an extremely strong tendency of mine.
You can see this really clearly in the dynamic between Touko and Yuu in Chapter 10, where Touko has all the power (romantic control) in the relationship.
Yuu is desperate to make this relation work:
… because she views the relationship as her last shot at finding love:
… meanwhile Touko doesn't want to be loved or held to any sort of romantic expectation. Rather, she selfishly asks Yuu to stick with her and not love her even as Touko loves Yuu:
This is unfair to Yuu, but Yuu has to accept it because Touko has all the power in the relationship at this point. Yuu also wants to be able to grow and change and possibly love Touko, too, but ends up swallowing her doubts and agreeing because Touko is passing on her trauma onto Yuu:
… and by asking Yuu to remain frozen as she is Touko's doing to Yuu exactly what other people did to Touko: imprisoning Yuu with her love.
This behavior from Touko is something I deeply relate to. Having experienced an extreme loss of romantic control I pass on that same trauma to others in my own relationships by gravitating towards relationships where I have all the power (romantically). I seek out relationships where I have all the freedom to grow and change and I avoid any expectations being placed on me, while my romantic partner doesn't enjoy that same liberty.
How do I counteract that? A lot of it is learning that there is a middle ground in between "I have all the power" and "I am powerless" and treating the relationship as a mutual and participatory activity where both partners are vulnerable and neither person is fully in control (romantically or otherwise). This probably sounds obvious to a lot of people, but it's something that's been a hard lesson for me (especially after my trauma).