I have a friend, an old, close personal friend who I've known since high school, a cishet man. I came out to him as non-binary last year, but I haven't told him that I'm transitioning yet. I know that he knows. I saw that he looked at my profile on LinkedIn, where I've come out professionally. I feel guilty about it, but I can't bring myself to tell him, because when I told him I was non-binary, he had one, simple question:
"When did you know?"
Depending on the moment, that answer varies from "always" to "I'm still not sure yet."
Transition is an intrinsically violent act of re-negotiation of self. No one gets out of it without a little bit of damage, yet to not transition is consigning yourself to slow-motion suicide. But transition is social suicide in itself. The chuds at your deadend job know you're a faggot. Your dad knows you're a faggot. But you're gonna really get it if you start going around in dresses and makeup.
To tear down this facade of self that barely conceals your truth is no easy thing. You've negotiated a peace with society. You're gonna be a pile of misery, but maybe they'll go easy on you if you try hard enough. If you kill this version of you, you may have a shot at an authentic existence, but what if there's nothing but more pain underneath? Or worse, what if there's nothing?
I've known since always. I knew when I was a child. I knew I was different from the boys. I wanted to be friends with them to talk about Nintendo, but I knew deep down that I was missing something else in myself that seemed to be a natural part of them.
I knew when I was a teenager, when I was friends with boys and girls, but truly craved the intimacy of female friendship. I knew even in the darkest stretches of my 20s, desperately assembling an invention of self just to survive. I knew in the pandemic, in my late 30s, pleading with myself to at least wait until after my mother died before doing this. (She's still around. She knows.)
I know now when I feel the euphoria of inhabiting my true self, but then I'll sense the old me hulking in the background, ready to drag me back to the Midnight Realm