Initially, it seemed like my journey through Trails in the Sky was going well, but, like a lightning strike whose origin I can't recall, the urge to clear my backlog took a slightly different turn - I felt the need to boot up Dragon Quest XI. I found myself thinking that it was a break from the journey I had set for myself, only to realize later that it was actually a continuation, because, unknowingly and with no clear intention, I chose to save this game from the oblivion of my mind. So, what I find myself pondering now is - is the backlog a list of games you want to play, or is it a repository of expected good experiences that reside in your subconscious? The first option seems like a more "disciplined approach," but undoubtedly the second one feels more natural, more organic. So, to be honest, I don't feel comfortable answering that definitively right now.
So, there I was on the weekend, with my 30-hour playthrough ready to add another 30 hours to it, but then suddenly, 10 hours later, the thrill was gone. In desperation to get back on track, I downloaded Nier Reincarnation, Persona 3 Reload, and 13 Sentinels Aegis Rim, just to see if I could recapture that feeling again, even if it's for another 10 hours, but none seemed to grasp my heavily competitive mind space.
Clutching onto that feeling once again, I came to a resolution - I need to give my brain the pleasure of finishing a new release. This will definitely put me back on track - so I bought Stellar Blade, which hasn't arrived yet, so I don't have the answer if this will work by the time of this writing. Now, this is where things will get really interesting - I don't really have this answer? Of course I do, the answer is simple, it's not going to work. I mean, yeah, I can finish Stellar Blade, but how does this relate to tackling my backlog after that? What does it even mean to tackle a backlog?
Today I was taking my dog for a walk, trying to think about what I was feeling and why. The thought started with - Why does it feel so good whenever I'm playing a game that I really want to play? - The answer, at first, was simple - Because I'm doing something that I want to do -. The next obvious question is - So why do you keep pushing things that you don't want to do? - the answer was no less than a strange one - Because I want to want to do them -. Thinking about it now, it doesn't make a lot of sense, to keep pushing things to see if you will want to do them, just to realize, hours later, that you don't, and, trust me, I have this proof over and over again. So, the last question is - why don't I want to do things? And for this one, friends, I really don't have the answer, and I don't know if I'm ready to think about it.