I don't know if it's just my circumstances making things particularly bad, but depression is feeling particularly *nefarious* at the moment. ---

Circumstances

I've been dealing with it for over a decade now since Smart Kid Syndrome reached its final stage—the stage where you realize that you do or will need the strategies and habits that your peers learned years ago but you thought you were too good to need. It's world-shattering to realize that you're not the best and never will be, and I've been wracked with anxiety and self-doubt ever since. It's bearable when you've got friends and support, though. You know you have people who care about you even if you're not the big deal you thought you were, and it'll be okay. But over the past year, I've been forced out of two communities in rapid succession, and lost a small number of friends in such a way that I can no longer trust my own assessment of relationships. That is to say: I don't have anywhere to "hang out" online, like I've been doing since I was 10; and I don't feel like I can trust anyone because some of the people I felt closest to told me (in not so many words) that they hate me. Some people—some expected and others not—*have* reached out to check on me. It's comforting, but it doesn't help the root cause of feeling outcast and delinquent. And *this* is where the nefarious bit comes in. --- See, without a community where I feel at home, I don't have anywhere I really feel safe just asking for attention or anything. If I want to talk, play a game, or anything, I have to *personally* ask a *specific* person or people, and that feels much more daunting than a general broadcast—especially when you can't trust your assessment of who actually wants to spend time with you and/or in what conditions. This social isolation reinforces depression because it means I don't make plans, and consequently have nothing to look forward to. Besides that, I see myself being a sad sack and think, gee, I wouldn't want to spend time with me, either. And without a place I feel free to share my thoughts or works (and ideally, you know, have people respond?) I'm disincentivized to pursue any creative efforts to which I might aspire because the only person I can impact with them is myself. And that makes them seem pointless, also reinforcing depression. So ideally I'd like to find a new group to hang out with, right? Except I don't feel I can trust people anymore (since some of the people I trusted most told me I'm irredeemable) or even *should* introduce myself to more people (because some of the people I cared for most told me that their lives would be better without me;) and I can't find a new special interest group because nothing is super interesting to me like it used to be (because my depression has been reinforcing itself) and I already *had* a well-established network amongst the communities I was most interested in before the rug was pulled out from under me and I became unable to trust those people.

Conclusion

So in short, it's feedback loops all the way down. I was hurting, so I turned to friends for help, but they hurt me more; now I have fewer places to turn, I can't trust those fewer places, and I can't find new places because my connections are tainted and I can't even trust *myself.* Oh, and I feel ashamed asking for help because it reinforces the idea that I'm a worthless burden.

Or, to make things even shorter:

FF14 MSQ 6.4 ("The Dark Throne") spoiler (dialogue screenshot)

In frame: Zero, wearing her jaunty black cap, whose brim is (at this angle) concealing her face. Setting: The Aetherfont, after the final boss has been slain. Dialogue box, Zero: I wouldn't know how to trust.

h-land

@h-land

hedgehogs dni