seriously it's like a fucking super power, how do you roll with the weight of judgement looming over you
there are people who can and do do this and it astounds me every time
—and I'm sick of being afraid.
I've been called slurs because I "look jewish", (I'm not), "looked hispanic" (even LESS accurate), look queer (which I am, but was not aware of at the time a lot of it happened), for having polish heritage, and even for having long hair. You might say "those seem like pretty extreme examples for this," but like,
People have gotten genuinely hostile to me if I say I don't like peanut butter.
At some point it hit a level where it just broke my ability to care.
A friend of mine talks constantly about being afraid of the judgement of others. This same friend didn't speak to me for a year and a half because I was involved in the korps, and only apologized and came back after my ex-husband proposed to me. We still chat all the time, I've mostly forgiven her, but my point in this is we pass judgement just as we fear it, too.
Part of not cringing is learning not to appraise others nor yourself harshly. Why does it matter is someone likes something or does something in a different way? Are we actually an impartial judge of ourselves, or are we prone to forgiving others and holding ourselves to a ridiculously high standard? If you are constantly afraid of a friend judging you, have you talked with them about it? There's no silver bullet, but the feelings and fear come from a variety of places and picking them apart and working on them can help defang them.
I have a few health issues, and I've had some unrelated close calls in my life. I do not know how much time I have left in the world, and I'm hoping it's at least a good 40-50 years, but I do not know. I want to make the most of my life, and I don't want to spend it living in constant fear of the ever-moving targets of what I think other people might judge me for.
I still cringe, even though to a lot of people it doesn't seem like I do. Every time I put a story out I fucking panic and think everybody's going to see me as a hack. It's always groundless, and even if it wasn't, I don't think I could stop anyway. Crushing who I am for the sake of someone else is something I cannot do anymore.
And guess what? Part of me is cringing even as I post this. That part can suck it. Send chost. Beep boop dood doo homestuck ponies whatever fight me
the only thing i'd really add at all, is that it took a lot of time to get to a point where i can overcome the part of me that cringes about 80% of the time. it takes a lot of personal growth, a lot of self-awareness, a lot of self-criticism (which is different from cringing at one's self to be clear), and a lot of patience with one's self.
but also, it's not hard! it's entirely possible for anyone and everyone to do, it just takes a lot of time. much like learning programming or knitting or really any kind of skill, it takes time and practice, but eventually it gets easier as you get more skilled.
no matter what, it's important to remind yourself that you are human like everyone else, but you also deserve to be treated well as anyone else does. getting on the path towards self-indulgence and living truthfully as yourself is a path you deserve to take, and when you take the path you deserve you will find yourself much happier, and capable of appreciating the small things in life. trust me.



