i recently got back from my big trip to chicago, which altogether was really great! it was the first big trip i've taken since pandemic times, .. so it was a bit of trial by fire, throwing myself into situations that contained a btrillion more people than i've been used to. (i have in fact been very antisocial and risk averse this whole time) i'm still not very comfortable in places packed with people, but i'm trying; i feel like i have to. i wore a mask as much as i could, even wandering the city (as an added bonus it kept me warm, it was COLD and WINDY), but i was surprised to find that none of my friends were doing the same. i didn't bring it up - it's their decision after all - but it was unexpected. it was a little weird being one of like, maybe 2% of people in the city wearing masks.
anyway - in addition to playing tons of board games (our pastime) and eating all kinds of super delicious meals, we wandered the downtown area and went to a few different museums and shops. i got to see the art institute, the museum of science and industry, and the field museum (sadly not the aquarium which was sold out... next time!). lots of interesting and wondrous sights. i also bought a bunch of looseleaf tea, a cute shirt and some records. more than anything, aside from being weird and germophobic, i was struck with emotion over how much i'd missed being in a city. it was a lot. really makes me want to move back into the city somewhere. but i would need a good reason, and perhaps a few people i know in the area... hm. i still regret leaving LA, but i also don't specifically want to live there again since over 1/3rd of my life was spent there thus far
the one kinda unfortunate moment on the trip was that i had my second-ever panic attack, an overwhelming few minutes on the subway back to my friend's place in evanston. it was our first day out wandering downtown and i think a combination of how overwhelming that felt + how crowded the subway was + having to stand amidst what my friend later called the bumpiest ride he'd experienced there just tipped me over. i kinda don't remember much about it other than being tossed around, my breathing going super hyper and trying my best to control it, and someone pushing me into a seat to calm down. nothing worse happened, thankfully, but i felt very out of control in an uncomfortable way
mm other than that, it was really nice to see people i'd been close to. i had a mild amount of feeling out-of-place and blaming myself for being so distant, and i maybe wish i could've shared a bit more of myself with them, but altogether it was just good to be social. hopefully over the next few days i don't get sick! (i'm also going to see ichiko aoba perform in atlanta tomorrow, so that same sentence applies for that reason too!) oh and i have had fun listening to a bunch of new albums on my trip and soon-to-be other overnight trip. i'm almost at the point where i need to get album recs again from people, i've made it through so much music!!
ok blog overed
i was wondering the whole trip about whether i took photos the other time i was in chicago, way back in the summer of 2011? i just couldn't remember having ever gone through them if i had pictures, but surely i had pictures. i had to wait til i was back at my PC to check
the answer is almost no; i had like 5 photos and all of them are blurry and bad because they are from That Era of phone cameras and taken at night. a shame! i have way more this time! but i had totally forgotten we were there during the 4th of July, and we went to see the fireworks. there is a picture of my partner at the time smiling in millennium park after the show, and that's real weird to reflect upon. back here in 2023 for a sec, when we walked through millennium park i remembered strongly how on that trip 12 years ago i was made to feel awful about how i looked and had some really rough arguments, but that little patch of millennium park in front of the pavilion, for some reason, carried some magical nostalgia, an ancient spatial memory of temporary happiness. it almost overwhelmed me when we walked past it. now i guess i remember why. it was a celebratory night, even amidst conflict. i remember feeling joy. misplaced, maybe, but it was genuine.
i dunno why i am sharing this personal anecdote nor am i sure what i should take away from it. it feels like another lifetime ago, and it honestly basically is another lifetime ago. hmmmm. this trip was a lot better, though, and i am no longer being made to hate myself, and i am far more in bloom and healthier than i was then