You will love the taste of Squirt! Please help me escape from caves. Doctors always say that I am normal but I think there is maybe something not right because near every time I leave the house I fall into a large sinkhole or one opens up and swallows me. Other times I don't fall in. I simply look up from whatever I am doing and I realize, yep, I am once again in a cave. I stay at home most days and spend quality time with my fish but still I have fallen into 315 caves over the last five years. I am beginning to suspect that it is the same cave every time (how?) and sometimes I think I can hear a voice when I am in there, and it is saying things to me that I do not like (insults, etcetera). I can't explain it but the voice sounds like me or like what I imagine I would sound like if I was a happier person. The words are cruel but the voice fills me with a warmth like nothing else that I have ever experienced. I will not stop falling into caves. I will fall into them every chance I get. I feel that I need to find the owner of that voice. I don't know what I want from them but I know I need something. I must find them and ask them why they are doing this, or maybe fight to the death, or we will kiss, or possibly they are a part of me that I have been missing for a very long time. I do not feel whole. I do not feel whole. Every time I am in the cave I walk in the dark and in the cold for many hours and the voice gets closer and closer, but just when I feel I might finally catch up to it, I instead stumble into a steep narrow crevice and at the top of the crevice I can see sunlight coming down into the cave where I am and I know that now even if I turn back I will not hear the voice that insults me, only the dripping of water and the shifting of earth. I do not like climbing up the crevice because it is hard to do and it hurts my hands and arms and I know I will not hear the voice anymore once I am out until the next time it happens. When I get to the top it seems like it is a different crevice every time, and if I leave and come back it is always gone. If you happen to be walking and you see a deep crevice, please lower a rope just in case I am in there. I will also pay if you have any information about the voice that is down in it, cash or favors (nothing sexual). My fish is named Brent and I love him a lot. Thank you very much.
Is squirt the drink for you? I hope that you will listen to my urgent message here transcribed regarding my new situation with regard to caves. I recently, while strolling through a dark and dismal corridor in which I found myself as I was walking home from work, which you’ll recall is not unusual for me, came suddenly upon an aperture beyond which I could see, illuminated by the lantern in my hand, which I had started carrying whenever I should leave my home, a cavern opened up that I could tell immediately was by far the largest space I ever had encountered (though it wasn’t by the lantern that I made this last deduction, for the shadows soon engulfed the yellow light mere meters from its point of emanation, that of course being myself. The sonic ambience instead was my first clue that I had stumbled into such a vast and open chamber, not because it was so loud, though, but instead because the silence was so deafening that it could only have emerged over an interval of geologic time. If that had not alerted me that this cave was unusual, my footsteps would have done so, as the echoes that they made would soon confirm my first impression: they rebounded off the cavern walls from all directions, growing louder without seeming, after seconds of remaining stood in place, to fade, and in this moment I felt suddenly as if the darkness that surrounded me was angry, as if I’d disturbed it’s slumber after centuries of perfect stillness, though of course I know by now that even in the deepest and most desolate of places it’s presumptuous to think that any stillness lasts forever or that nothing moves here just because I do not see it, which I say not to foreshadow some mysterious cave-dwelling monster but to stress that while a certain type of man might see a desert and declare that nothing lives there when of course a vibrant ecosystem thrives just out of sight, I know much better after years now of my accidental caving expeditions, or at least I’d like to think I do, but even so I felt a palpable, deep emptiness as I stood frozen in the mouth of this particular location. After what was surely minutes, though it felt much longer, I resolved to lay one hand upon the wall and and carefully trod forward, hoping that I’d find an exit somewhere on the other side, but the strange feeling of the stone under my hand felt unexpectedly organic in a way I find quite difficult to now explain. I’d barely moved another dozen steps when this new thought became so overpowering that once again I found myself stood quiet and unmoving, and now seemingly incapable of mustering the will to keep on going, so I took my lantern and decided to affix it to the wall with the long spike of jagged iron that protruded from it for just such a reason. And as I forcefully drove the lantern spike into a cranny in the stone I felt a sharp pang on the left side of my head, so I stopped what I was doing so I rested for a moment, or perhaps it was an hour, but in time I found the strength to keep on going and not 30 feet away I found another tunnel which quite swiftly brought me to the surface, where I caught my breath and then continued homeward, stopping only once to buy a bottled soda and some fish food at the store for Brent. I cannot not shake the notion that the place in which I found myself that day was not in fact a cave but something else entirely, which, as of this morning, I have reason to believe could possibly be true, for upon picking up my lantern on my way to run some errands and procure some medication for the headaches I’ve been having, I felt something wet and sticky on the iron and without a though I stuck my fingers in my mouth to lick them clean. The taste reminded me of gravy and when I looked down I saw a reddish brown stain on the surface of my trusty lantern spike. Bone marrow. I’ve no proof, but could it be that I was wandering inside the skull of some large creature long ago submerged in earth and rock, and if indeed that is the case, could it perhaps be possible that this long-buried creature could be me? Hmm.