shiv

Sharing this again since cohost aint gonna be around much longer!

not gonna lie, in a spectacularly poor mood because my experience with visibility today was defined by being proper accosted by a stranger for the first time mere metres away from my house. but hey, we can always post about it and get a couple chemicals back.

i've been out about three months now. I came out to my parents on christmas and it's been a whirlwind ever since, because it went really well, and still living at home, I've got the space to experiment and change. around christmas, i had never done my own makeup, i was still working on getting hormones, i was only going by a different name here and on obscure videogame forums, my clothes were fruity but certainly not feminine, and a whole host of habits were a struggle by virtue of just not being invested in my body yet, not quite able to grasp a possible future in which i liked it. this is all to say that everything there has changed!

for the most part, i'm no longer living the bifuricated life that inspired cloud of unknowing. it's very freeing, but plenty challenging, because now i absolutely hate leaning on the "comfortable mediocrity" that is boymoding, but i'm clearly not cis, and i may never pass to that degree. it's terrifying being in public, whether there is real danger or not, the electrochemical experience of just taking a train or going on a walk is unpleasant when i'm on my own. i think that's something for anxiety meds to fix, rather than transition, but it's an endemic, inescapable part of the experience. it's part of being a woman, frankly, cis or otherwise. it's exhausting.

i'm happy to be where i am, to be privileged with a home so secure and loving, friends so enthusiastic that they collectively caught onto a name i wasn't planning on going by earlier on and i felt too touched to correct, and the collective trans power of my friends here in melbourne, my online buddies, my beloved sillies on the sb trans thread, the greater melbourne community, and the two san francisco girls who i ran into randomly on their quest to buy bunnings branded buckets because they were a Bluey reference.

god, it's still a gauntlet though aint it?

please hang in there. i love every last one of you fellow awkward early stage bifuricated dogs and cats and slimes and also the normal ones. i love your manic posting. i love our impulse to just kind of blurt out reminders that we're girl because it hasn't quite stopped being mind blowing yet. we don't get anything for free, fucking celebrate it. don't stop.

happy faggot jesus day.
stream sweat by kendall :3.
see ya soon.