Talk about Ivan health and my brain and did you know I have a lot of difficulty processing grief and the entire Christmas season is just ‘thinking about loss’ for me these days?
I’m so bad at these things. Cognitive distortions run rampant, trying to know the future, assuming the worst, spiraling off into doom scenarios, desperately wanting to control and know and sometimes aching from waiting.
Stage 4 kidney disease means Ivan is dying.
I don’t want him to die.
Some cats can live for another year with the help of treatment like subcutaneous fluid injections.
I’d like to have another year with Ivan.
Is that selfish?
I can’t ask him.
When I think something’s a sign of his feeling better, like his stumbling his way to snuggle between me and Sarri when I’m playing a videogame, am I reading too much into that as a sign of 'wellness’ or at least comfort?
When he isn’t very interested even in eating his goghurt, is that because it’s time already, he’s gone too far downhill, it’s cruel to hold on to him? Or is that just the worst part of my brain running away with something as simple as 'old cat was more interested in going back to sleep than eating this particular morning’?
I love him so much.
December feels like it can only contain sadness.
I wish Mum were alive. I miss her.
I hate missing.
