its-em

Em

@its-em

  • she/it

22, &θΔ, some kind of girlthing. Also vegan now.

In a relationship with my favorite people! yay!

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its-em
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mynotaurus
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pervocracy
@pervocracy

emotional libertarianism as defense mechanism

if I'm only worth to you what I can do for you, that's fair. easy to understand. no debt, no guilt. we could leave each other any day, without a reason, without a word, and that wouldn't be wrong. it's totally legal.

to be loved, to be connected, to be cared for, for free, that's terrifying. to receive what you don't deserve and not know how to return it dollars and cents. some days I'm not even cheerful for you. terrible customer service. our balance will never be zero. how can I sleep at night, if the balance can't be zeroed?

will the day come you want to be paid back, and I can't make it right? has the day already come, and I missed it, and you're adding up the interest?

I don't believe you are. I don't believe there is a secret ledger. I believe I am loved. for free. but when I believe it too much I can't stop crying

Perpetual-Motion
@Perpetual-Motion

I struggle with this every single day. It eats at my confidence constantly. And obviously it's wrong. The fact that I have friends and loved ones at all speaks to the fact that it's wrong. But I still feel indebted to everyone in my life at all times, and the fact that I don't feel like I have anything to offer in return completely overrides reality in my brain. Emotions don't care that much about reality, and trying to logic them away is not an easy task.

If anyone has a magic solution to this to make it go away, let me know.

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in reply to @pervocracy's post:

glacial
@glacial

And once you have one person tell you they keep a ledger, it changes things forever. I can't un-know it. I can't stop wondering if actually everyone does this and that one person was just the only one mad enough to tell me.

(They've apologized, they say they were dealing with a lot of issues at the time and didn't really mean it, but I still can't un-know it.)

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numberonebug
@numberonebug

I had surgery today and the outpouring of support from my synagogue and rabbi, people I've known for weeks, that I've received leading up to this has left me extremely wrestling with this kind of feeling

What I've come to is that being indebted to one another is how we form connections. I remember reading about pre christian scandinavian cultures paying a debt back in full was seen as profoundly rude, their equivalent of blocking someone, whereas the expectation was for people to either pay back with an extra gift or to not pay it all back, so as to say "I want you to stay in my circle, I want our lives to stay interconnected". To love and care for one another, to accept and offer aid and support, all without expectation is just part of weaving ones life into the tapestry of a community

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Osmose
@Osmose

Along the same lines: IIRC one of the pre-capitalism cultures mentioned in Debt: The First 5000 Years had as one of the main social responsibilities of women the task of walking between households/farms and gifting small amounts of food, goods, trinkets, etc. constantly. At a cultural level this maintained a perpetual indebtedness between households which meant stronger, happier communities that supported each other through hard times.

I've been trying to keep that shape in mind as I try to rebuild my personal communities.

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