was the year I finally quit games media.
I was in a bad place coming into this year. In February, I had the mother of all panic attacks at a flat party full of rachel's Rockstar co-workers, shortly after having interviewed some folks at another AAA studio for an article, wondering where I'd gone wrong in my life to have ended up in a place where I was just commenting on other people's incredible work.
I like writing, and I was very good at it. But I had no passion for it; moreso, that industry was becoming a kind of purgatory to me. I was promoted into a role the guy before me had occupied for over a decade. It felt like the end of the road. I was terrified. I was sent on a work trip to Iceland, and I collapsed. I knew I couldn't do this anymore.
I can't sugarcoat it. Games media feels like a space rapidly approaching a moment of reckoning, as it burns out the new talent it needs so desperately to bring in while older men rot at the heart of its institutions. I cannot count the number of women, POC, queer, or otherwise marginalised people who have been made redundant or left of their own volition in the time I was in that space.
After passing up an offer that would've had me move to Germany, I was pointed towards this Inkle level design gig, and was given the job almost -immediately-. I killed a five-year career to go back to what I felt I should be doing, what I needed to be doing. The difference in my life, in my energy, in my mental health, was almost immediate.
So many people commented about how much happier I seemed. Where I struggled to make the time for side-projects, I suddenly couldn't stop myself - I poured myself into new mapmaking projects, completely overhauled my portfolio, and even contributed one last piece of writing to a cool (and secret) project. I feel like I have a life again.
2023 is going to be a year where I figure out how to keep this going, but I feel excited again. I feel energised again. I feel ready to make incredible things and work with amazing people again.
