(don't worry, this post isn't about lockdowns. it's about autism and social interaction)
Tonight, early in the morning, not tired enough to go to sleep, but done with every activity i wished to squeeze out of the day, i sat down on the back stairs for a solitary minute and looked at the sky. There were some drips from the trees - it had rained in the previous "real" morning, some time around 8-10am, apparently.
Now, i sat and looked up at the sky. Too bright to be natural, of course. The lights of civilization reflect back down, crowding out the night sky. Or maybe it was moonlight, just yesterday my dad pointed out the full moon, visible through the clouds in the evening.
I spotted a pulsing, waving spotlight in the distance, with no idea where it was coming from, pointing up and seemingly spinning in circles endlessly. Devoid of its context and its purpose.
Sometimes the light of the night sky shines in through my window and makes it harder to sleep.
Recently i have been going on afternoon walks with my dad to get a bit of exercise. Often we talk, often we don't. It's so much quieter than inside, eyes glued to this glowing piece of metal and plastic.
I want to go for walks on my own, but we haven't found the extra set of keys i used to carry when i was in school.
I want to go for walks on my own, but i know there will always be other people around. I'd much prefer not needing to smile and think about how to get past this couple as silently as possible.
I want to go for walks on my own in order to get away from people.
When i came back inside, i turned off all the lights in my room, had a sip of water, and looked around at what light there still was.
A few sparse LEDs from technology that never truly rests.
The buzzing of my phone, providing some important medical statistic that might as well be found by magic for how unaware of its functions i am, yet frustratingly aware of its failings.
There are a few spots that are different. A box of unused polymer clay, a little home-3d-printed dial for tracking medication, some sorting trays filled with tiny plastic shapes that fit together with tolerances so small as to be almost identical.
I sat down on the floor for a solitary minute and contemplated my glow-in-the-dark lego flowers.
Some reasons i enjoy games are the sense of discovery, mastery, sheer thrill and visceral enjoyment of a finely honed machine.
Sometimes i just want to be somewhere quiet on my own, when the world outside gets a bit too loud.
It's just past 2am now.
I think the reason i can never conform to Normal People Sleeping Patterns is that i need to set my own terms for when and how often i talk and am talked to. I need time to be away from the rest of the world.
What better time to do that than when everyone else is asleep?