Yesterday I kept typing up and deleting a long thread on twitter about my thoughts on my current games in progress and what I do and don't want to do with them and how I do and don't think about my role in the TTRPG industry (if I have one), and it all felt terribly self-indulgent, and then I remembered that I could put it on cohost and stick it under a readmore so people have to opt into it lmao
warning for me being my MOST insufferable, the ego of an artist, blah blah blah
so it turns out it was really easy to make the decision, as I did last year, not to "publish" my games anymore, not to try to turn them into products for sale, maybe not even to "release" them but to just make them for me and my own edification. that decision was really easy when I didn't have any games anywhere near a state of readiness to even really have to think about it beyond the abstract.
now I have two in playtesting, and it turns out! they're really good games! I'm really proud of the work I've done on them! and I am having to fight with my own ego about the fact that I think they "deserve" more notice and attention and acclaim than they will get if I just throw a PDF out there! because physical products, especially ones that are polished and crowdfunded and advertised, are - ENTIRELY UNDERSTANDABLY - given the bulk of the air in the room.
and that ultimately, me saying "I think this game I made deserves more attention" is the same as saying "I deserve more attention!" and I don't want to say that and I don't think that's true! I don't want to have this ego! sublimate the ego into something else, etc etc!
because at the end of the day, I am still ultimately unwilling to do the necessary work to get any of this off the ground as a commercial product. I'm not running a kickstarter. I'm not working with distributors. I'm not going on podcasts or APs. all of that shit sucks! I hated doing it the first time! and I DEFINITELY don't want to be like "I deserve the attention without doing any of the work" because that also sucks!
when I am able to sit and think calmly about it, I AM still pretty okay with the idea of puttering around with my games for as long as they take to get to something I can reasonably call "done" and then throwing them out there for my 6-12 weirdos, with no real fanfare or support. I think quelling my own ego to the point that I can be happy with that will be a Character Growth™️ moment for me! it's just a matter of quieting down the voice that sometimes looks at what others are doing in the industry and says "my work is better than that and deserves to be in that position instead", which is a voice I didn't even know I had in there and I don't like it!
anyway being an artist was a mistake and accepting praise for what I did before was a mistake and I should have just gone the Emily Dickinson route of throwing all my work in a trunk to be published after I die!