LAG-O-MORPH, FLA. - Speaking to a crowd of reporters at his Florida mansion, Donald Thump issued another blistering call for the President to reveal his fursona. "'Smoothskin' Joe Biden can't hide forever," the candidate said. "True American patriots demand answers, answers that 'our furless leader' refuses to provide!"
A Biden campaign spokesman said in response, "Americans understand that Joe Biden has the heart of a beast beating inside his chest, even if he hasn't revealed the exact species." Privately, however, this attack has the campaign worried. They are scrambling to provide an acceptable fursona after two trial balloons, "Joe Bison" and "Dark Brandin'" (a mustang with laser eyes and a branding iron), fell flat with focus groups. A campaign insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, described a deep gulf between two factions. "You'd think a predator would be the obvious win, but [Thump] is doing so well with the whole rabbit thing. We can't even decide between carnivore and herbivore!"
The campaign's struggle is exacerbated by Biden's own seeming unwillingness to embrace a fursona, after multiple recent comments speculating on "carsonas". A minor scandal erupted last week when a reporter's microphone picked up the President enthusiastically telling a striking autoworker, "Hey man, everybody wants to **** a Chevy!"