julez

a little stinker

  • they / he

nonbinary-agender, trans, 26, autistic, homo

potter for hire and for fun

t4t with @tati

radfairyjulian on discord


so i feel like i've been on an unmasking journey this year, including but not limited to -- disclosing to more friends/family that i'm autistic, exploring more liberated embodiment via stimming, giving myself permission and non-judgment when speaking doesn't feel available, and generally interrogating ableist self-judgement and shame that i've adopted or inherited.

one area that i'm kind of struggling to figure out and give myself more freedom around is special interests, sometimes i feel like i'm not as passionate abt things as other people (ik comparison is a path to doom), and sometimes i'm also jealous bc i see how other people's interests let's say in gaming or anime gives them a community to share these things with and often i feel like i can't talk about the things that interest me


i think i can see moments i have 'info-dumped' and maybe given myself permission to in those circumstances because it felt more 'scholarly' or 'educational' to do so, this was usually during my uni years if people asked me questions pertaining to queer theory or my thesis. for other interests though, i think i hold them pretty close to my chest or feel like too burdensome or i'm speaking too much if i share them with other people. i think i actually get kinda scared and apologetic when it's time in a social setting to share something i'm interested about or know a lot about. i find myself cutting myself short or trying to be as succinct as possible.

also if the conversation never broaches anywhere close to my Sp/In i think i'll just never bring them up so as not to bring too much attention to myself. i think my expectation in social settings is that if i share too much about myself and my passions, the person will start to withdraw or judge me or i'll just feel super annoying.

the flipside of that is that not sharing my interests to new people i probably seem kinda boring or just hard to read. for awhile i've had the narrative about myself that i don't give great first impressions but it was helpful to read about that study where NT people typically just don't vibe with autistic people on first impressions regardless of what we say - feels less like a personal failing.

so in thinking about this, i've been also trying to reflect on what my special interests actually ARE so that my mind doesn't just blank when people ask me what i like to do, and also give myself more permission to pursue them unabashedly

  • meditation and esoteric buddhism (vajrayana)
  • earth-based spiritual traditions/mysticism (anything with an animist ethics)
  • learning about the nervous system and neuroscience
  • somatic practices (yoga asana, qi gong, TCM, dance)
  • non-human cognition (ie animal/fungal/plant/microbial intelligence)
  • language learning (english native, intermediate in both spanish and french, recently started learning american sign language)
  • drumming and singing/toning
  • art history (esp modern)
  • ecology/geology and deep time
  • creativity and imagination (poetry, theatre, play for the sake of play, painting, drawing, writing, photography)
  • queer/feminist theory and history, disability/racial justice
  • BDSM and kink
  • ceramics, & sculpting more generally
  • nice smells (incense and essential oils from small businesses are best)
  • nice teas and coffees blends

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