julez

a little stinker

  • they / he

nonbinary-agender, trans, 26, autistic, homo

potter for hire and for fun

t4t with @tati

radfairyjulian on discord


if you have a friendship where the other person has a behavior pattern that hurts and you tell them that it hurts you and you try to make different decisions related to this person and pattern to avoid that pain (and are transparent about that changed behavior on your end) but then the pattern happens again, they apologize again and you tell them you felt hurt again, what would you do in that scenario if you want to maintain the friendship?

like i know this is vague i’m just like kinda stumped bc a lot of relationship problems are kinda ameliorated by communicating better and i’ve communicated to them but idk i’m a saddened by the repeated apologies that aren’t followed up by changed behavior


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in reply to @julez's post:

I have done two things in roughly similar scenarios:

  1. Accept that their behavior won't really change, and find a way to make it less painful when it happens. Accepting this is accepting that the other person either does not or cannot change in the way I want, and that I will not know the difference. Accepting the pain and deciding I will be the one to change so that the pain is not my reaction is a very hard road to go down, and needs a lot of self reflection to make sure that I am not sacrificing too much. "That's just what Jimmy does, and being friends means dealing with it."

  2. Accept that their behavior won't really change, and begin the work of removing myself from the relationship, or at least distancing myself for a while. "That's just what Jimmy does, and I do not wish to deal with it any longer."

Yeah, the acceptance piece is kinda what i’m thinking I have to develop bc I plan to maintain this relationship. Do you have any other thoughts around acceptance and changing one’s emotional response to what the other person is showing will be their expected behavior? it’s okay if not! I appreciate your response!

I basically just try to rationalize it with myself, like, "Ok, so if this person keeps doing X, is there something about themselves that they haven't processed? Something they don't want to admit to themselves?" And then use the answers I come up with to help myself accept this person as they are. Having answers-- even if they may not be 100%-- helps me be OK with it. Then I think about what I need to make myself OK with things, based on what I rationalized, and if there are other ways I can help protect myself. (Like my friend's questionable drinking, and setting boundaries for myself when we're out.)