julez

a little stinker

  • they / he

nonbinary-agender, trans, 26, autistic, homo

potter for hire and for fun

t4t with @tati

radfairyjulian on discord


Lyra
@Lyra

I feel like every other day I see a post about how [common thing lonely people do on the internet] is Bad Actually and how you should instead just Find Community (not on the internet I guess) or Have Friends IRL like wow I'd never thought of that; There definitely aren't any reasons why the majority of my social interactions are online or anything.

But congratulations, you've now made me feel bad and wrong for doing it so I suppose I'll just go back to ... being isolated?


Unambiguous-Robin
@Unambiguous-Robin

I think there's a lot of stuff that still isn't really fully understood about the how's and why's of the ways these things work...

Like, on the one hand, I get that there's scientific studies done on the reasons physical interaction is important, there's endorphins and other things related to physical touch and there's visual and verbal cues that you can't get online etc. etc.

But while there's decades of study based on things like that, I have to imagine there's not many studies on what it means to use the internet to be able to find people who are, by definition, so specific to what's important to you, personally, that they statistically can't be living close to you, and what it means to be able to interact with these people in any way on a regular basis, compared to what it means to be regularly interact with people who feel a lot more disconnected than that.

...I suspect too much science still just kinda assumes by default that most people are fundamentally the same, when that's really just not true. And sometimes you're born into cultures and communities where you don't fit, and interacting with those communities only serves as reminders that you don't fit. And that message is getting reinforced through all the physical methods, verbal and visual cues, that really hammer a message home.

As an autistic queer plural therian person, I get it. I get what it means to live around people who are not like you, with not even language to describe why and how you're too different from everyone for them to be able to understand you or truly include you at all, because there's no language like that in the vocabulary of those people. How every word shared between these people is another word unspoken from yourself, a reinforcement that you're just living in isolation and silence while the people around you pretend or assume they're including you, and knowing they won't accept any explanations to the alternative because they can't even conceive of it.

As much as psychology has studied neurodivergent people, I think a lot of psychological studies get their conclusions based on what is most common about people, how neurotypical people function, and they end up making a lot of conclusions about how this is how all people function, neurodivergent people included, as a result. I think... trying to understand how things work from a neurodivergent person's perspective is always going to be a barrier of sorts.

Here's what I know, though: Isolation is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, or be done to a person. Any interaction you're able to have with people you trust, lean into it. Treasure it. It's a lifeline. Don't let other people tell you it's wrong, don't let other people isolate you. Don't become stuck inside yourself like I did. It's poison.

And for anyone reading this who doesn't have friends, this is not a criticism of you, either. Making friends is insanely difficult, especially when you don't already have any to begin with. Making friends requires bravery and perseverance, not to mention the ability to withstand a lot of emotional pain. As far as I'm concerned, any efforts you make are incredibly strong and noble, more than any person should be expected to be just to be able to get basic support like that.

...I think the world is inherently isolating in a lot of ways right now. I don't know if it will be forever, maybe it will, maybe it won't, but it's especially isolating the way it is right now. Just... get what you can, and don't listen to anyone who says it's not good enough. It is good enough. You can always have more, it can always be better, but anything is good.


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