kata 🌊 aqua!

i have been spending a lot of time in the real world this week—at least, y’know, mostly. i’ve been playing video games and using discord some but for the most part it’s being here, with my wife, going outside. i’ve been outside every day since it happened, which feels like a big deal. i’m also counting video games as the real world here because, really, what’s more real world than playing 3D platformers while your wife who hates them watches and helps you find shinies (psychonauts 2, it’s good).

website has been with me constantly, which i will never be able to thank him enough for. he is an absolute sweetheart and you can tell he knows what’s up. sometimes, we’ll play video of bradley meowing, just to remind ourselves of his silly little noises, and website will hear and start looking around, confused and concerned. he knows. he misses bradley a lot, as much as we do—he can’t play the game, but he’d probably say that he misses when bradley was feeling better and they would chase each other across the house at all hours of the night. he didn’t get a lot of that, but they were pretty close before the cancer took its toll.

i could be taking better care of myself, i’ll admit. i haven’t showered in a few days, i need to brush my hair and my teeth, i probably need to shave. but i’ve worn fresh clothing every day, and i’ve been outside, and i’m eating okay. last night i even made a concerted, focused effort to eat vegetables. i’ve been taking my meds consistently, too. given the circumstances, i’m counting these all as wins.

i’m also really digging in deep on the emotional regulation skills jazz. again, could be using the PLEASE skill a bit more mindfully, sure, but i have done a lot of radical acceptance work this week and i’m better off for it. i don’t really talk about my relationship with dialectic behavioral therapy online much because why would i but i’d be lying if i didn’t say that starting DBT two years ago genuinely changed my life, and it’s the only reason i’m managing this in an even remotely okay way right now. i’ve had my battles with willfulness, don’t get me wrong—it’s not fair that he got sick, it’s not fair that the cancer was inoperable, i should have been able to make him better, he shouldn’t have gotten sick at all—but i can name what that is, and use skills to pivot back to acceptance, and work from there to ground myself in the present.

i’m still crying. it’s not what i thought it would look like, though. i go these long spells without crying, even while those around me are, and then something will get to me and i won’t just cry, i’ll sob. violently break down and sob, for 20 minutes or more. i’ll scream and wail and my throat will hurt and i’ll feel nauseous for hours after and it’s raw and potent and i know, eventually, as with all things, that will happen less. it will happen less, and the acute pain will fade, and i’ll play the I Miss Bradley game with jae every day of my life for the rest of my life, and it’ll still hurt sometimes, but less.

i’ve been writing him letters when i feel the urge to say something. it started with apologies. i found myself apologizing to him, almost absent mindedly, apologizing to pictures of him or when i talked about him or as i fell asleep. and i decided to just… write him a letter, saying all the sorries i’d been saying, written down somewhere so i didn’t have to say it with my mouth anymore. and i haven’t, since. i’ve written more letters since, happy and sad.

maybe i’ll share some of them at some point soon, and that’ll be my companion to what jae wrote. or maybe i won’t. maybe i’ll put them in the mail, and mail them to no one. maybe i’ll put them in envelopes and light them on fire, and let the wind carry their ashes to him. maybe i’ll chop the letters into pieces and paint them in many hues of black and white and pink and green and i’ll assemble them into his portrait, the way i want to remember him, the way he was before he got sick. maybe i’ll put them into a box, and hide the box away somewhere safe, so safe and secure it gets lost among the life i will build in his absence.

but no matter what i do, i’ll keep writing him letters. and maybe, one day, i’ll get to read those letters to him, while he sits in my lap, and curls himself up, and purrs until he falls asleep, and all will be right with the world.