So, 2022 is almost done (5 hours basically here on the East Coast of the US) and I'm just...kinda meh about it to be honest.
Like, yes, in one way, 2022 was the culmination of a big milestone for me finally getting my Bachelors Degree. That is a huge accomplishment and nothing is going to change that. But it was also a year of poor mental health and burnout and anxiety. Both in trying to perform at the top level both in classes and work simultaneously, getting taken advantage of at work and the rage I've developed from that, and now, the fear and anxiety that comes from having possibly new job opportunities in the next year due to a combo of stupidly sticking around my current job for 5 years and gaining experience there, and getting my college degree.
I've also managed to head up to FWA and have an absolute blast there. It was packed. It was busy. But hanging with my typical crew of friends...well....my family really...was what I needed. What I did not need was COVID on the way back. >.> Luckily, being double vaxxed, the COVID was just basically a bad flu for like 2 days and then waiting for the negative test for a week.
Megaplex too! I got to hang out with my friends again during Megaplex. I had lots of fun there as well (which seems unlike me when I'm normally very introverted, but here I am having so much fun there.)
But at the same time, burnout is real. Burnout makes me feel like I'm not succeeding in life. My last semester of classes was horrible (not grade wise, somehow I managed to still get all A's) but it went from a fun time, to an absolute slog to get through. Chapters and articles that I could breeze through in half an hour, would now take hours to drag myself through. The interest and passion was gone. My ability to give a fuck both at work and school had run out and I hate that.
Hell, now that I've graduated, I find it hard if not impossible to do stuff.
So, with 2023 looming, what do I hope to accomplish?
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Find a new job. Weirdly, the big boss secured a $1000 bonus and a 6% raise for me this year even if my immediate boss hates the idea of even paying his employees, so...there is some conflicting ideas of should I stay or should I go...but considering how a LOT of my burnout comes from this place, I really feel like finding work elsewhere would be best. Especially given the ability to now apply for jobs I wasn't qualified for previously due to my degree. Like when I first got this job, it was because I had warehouse experience. That's it. Now? I got a Bach degree in Anthropology and that could open doors to places I didn't even consider. Right now, I got two phone interviews set up, one for State Farm and one for Aflac, and am working on finding other openings. I need to work on a cover letter for a shot at an office manager position for Lambda Library, a pro-LGBTQIA+ charity that starts at like $60k. And I got invited through UCF's Career Center to a webinar on openings with working for the EPA.
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Get into therapy. Seriously, if my mental health is this shit, I need to un-shit it. I need to deal with this burnout, I need to deal with this anxiety, this executive dysfunction, these self-worth issues, these childhood traumas and emotional neglect and all that. I need to finally be able to be strong enough to move past this stuff. I deserve to get better and I should get better. So I need to find a place that'll accept me as a client/patient and sit down with a therapist and work through this stuff. Funnily enough, I found an online YouTube channel called Healthy Gamer GG, run by Dr. Alok Kanojia, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist based out of Texas (either Houston or Dallas, I forget which), and a total gamer/nerd, and I really enjoyed a lot of his videos, but I understand that they're not a substitute for therapy, but watching a lot of these videos on depression, lack of motivation, social anxiety, work problems etc...I was like "holy shit, that's me!" and now, I want to go to a therapist, in person, one on one and go "I have these problems, I'm experiencing these feelings, I think it might be this....what is it, what do I do?" And I think I'd be a much better person because of it.
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Get into Grad School. Well fuck me in the ass with a railroad spike wrapped in barbed wire and coated in hot sauce, I'm just a glutton for punishment huh? I just got done with my Bach degree and now I want to do MORE of this?!? (The answer to that statement is yes by the way. The grad school, not the railroad spike....put it down please.) Seriously, after seeing that I somehow managed to get a 3.9 GPA doing full time classes AND full time work, and given the fact that Dr. Matejowsky is interested in working with me, I went ahead and put together my grad school application. Filled it out, added my statement of intent, my transcripts, my writing sample and got letters of recommendation from Dr. Groff, Dr. Geiger and Dr. Wheeler...so now I gotta play the waiting game. But if I get in, I hope I can motivate myself and manage to do as well with my graduate studies as I did with my undergrad. Plus, with a MA in Anthropology, I could walk right into museum curating, or archaeological digs, or even teach at the community college level. I'd need a PhD to teach at UCF or another four-year university though. But hey...maybe in a couple years, I'll have my Masters and I'll be considering said PhD. But for right now, we're only focusing on 2023. The big goal is to get into grad school and get started on my (soon to be) Master's Degree first.
I might have other goals and wants that pop up. Like maybe I should get a car this year and start driving again. But the need/want to do that doesn't seem as super important right now as the top three goals up there.
But yeah, that's what I hope 2023 will be and I'll try my best to make that happen.
Onward?