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shel
@shel

People who walk two abreast on the sidewalk in busy downtowns should be sentenced to spend the rest of their lives in prison working for 1Β’/hour at a Perdue meat packing and rehabilitation facility. If they walk three abreast, the sentence will carry to their children, four abreast to their children's children, and so forth. If your parents (or parent's parents as appropriate etc.) walked abreast on the sidewalk in Midtown Manhattan, you are forbidden to marry someone unless their parents also walked abreast in Copley Square or something until your lineage has lived out this sentence. It won't be difficult to comply because you'll be confined to Perdue meat packing and rehabilitation facilities where most prospective romantic interests will be in the same situation as you, possibly even third generation workers who were born in a Perudue camp and have known no other life. Unique linguistic dialects and cultural norms will develop within the Perdue camps. Abreasters will resent their ancestors who stood still in a large tour group off Broad and Market to take pictures of Philadelphia City Hall. They will count the generations. This will be the seventh generation. The first in the family line to not be bound to Perdue as an Abreaster. Free to leave. Free to marry whoever they want. All of their parents hopes, nay the hopes of the community, lay on this child to see the outside world. To tell the world of the horrid treatment of Abreasters, campaign for the abolition of Perdue Meat Packing and Rehabilitation Camps. But she is so young. She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders. She knows nothing of the outside world or how to live in it. She brings with her only the pennies her parents and grandparents had been paid over seven generations of labor. And when she leaves.... She will never again see her family or her friends, the world she has known... The people who speak her language and share her culture. She wonders if the abolition of the camps will mean the end of Perdue English, or folk games like Meatscotch, and beloved dishes like Chicken Head Stew.

Yet still, the sun shines bright in the blue sky outside. The trees are green. The city is bustling with life. Her word for every animal she sees is "chicken." She has culture shock. She is a very hard worker. She is very careful to never walk next to another person. When people notice, they believe it is a sign that the anti-abreastment laws are effective at rehabilitating abreasters. Pedestrian traffic since the passage of the Sidewalks for Everyone Act has been quick and efficient. She doesn't even know where to start with advocating for reform. She doesn't know how the government works. She has no education on anything but meat packing. She finds a job at a Whole Foods warehouse following instructions from an app to pack groceries for delivery to Amazon Prime customers. She lives alone. She tries fresh strawberries for the first time in her life. She is terrified that eating them raw will make her sick but it turns out to be safe. She tries to eat a raw potato and has less success. The strawberries were sweet. Juice runs down her chin. She wishes her parents could taste this.

Anyway that's my hot take for the morning. If anyone on here walks two or more abreast in busy city centers then I hope @staff bans them too.


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in reply to @shel's post:

A loophole in the law is that if you're not planning on having biological kids then there isn't really much consequential difference between 2 abreast and 4 abreast