I think a lot about the differences between loneliness, alone-ness, and the concept of solitude. They’re all similar, but different. We all probably know this, as we can feel lonely at a party or talk to friends digitally while living alone.
I’m reading a book called Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport, and in one of the chapters he talks about solitude, and the concept of “solitude deprivation.”
He doesn’t consider solitude as having anything to do with physical proximity. Instead, he defines it as not giving any attention to the thoughts, work, or expression of any other human being.
So, for example, you could walk down a crowded city sidewalk and still be in solitude if you aren’t paying any mind to the people around you. Conversely, you can be completely alone, but wouldn’t be in a state of solitude if you listened to a podcast, read a book, or saw a tweet on your phone.
I think that’s an interesting lens to see it through. Basically the idea is that you can only completely experience solitude and being lost in your own thoughts if there is nothing else from a human being entering into your thoughts. I guess at it’s furthest extreme…walking through a forest full of animals, or sitting in a house full of cats, would still be solitude. Listening to a song or looking at a billboard ad would, in some ways, be a breaking of solitude.
He goes on to lay out his idea that because of modern technology, people can elect to live in a state of near-constant solitude deprivation. Basically, instead of spending any time alone with their own thoughts, people can constantly “keep themselves company” via social media, podcasts, news articles, streaming services, games, etc.
By doing this, they can voluntarily deprive themselves of having to ever experience solitude for long stretches. This is mostly framed in the book as a neutral or negative thing, because it would prevent you from entering deep thought or letting your imagination wander.
While I think it’s debatable how harmful this is, I would agree that solitude deprivation is definitely a thing and easier now than ever before. I feel the strong urge to always have some sort of podcast, audiobook, Youtube video, or Livestream playing on my phone while I’m walking around the house. I have heard from people who don’t like to be “alone with their thoughts” at all for stretches of time, and actively try to avoid ever being alone with their thoughts.
Thankfully, for myself, I don’t necessarily mind being alone with my thoughts, even if it can be boring or uncomfortable sometimes. I try my best, these days, to not listen to anything when I’m going for a walk outside. I can’t really say if there are huge benefits to this (though I’ve vaguely heard of studies that claim that there are), but I can say for sure that I’ve managed to basically pre-write whole emails or blog posts in my head while going for a walk. Then, when I get back to the computer, I can basically bang the words out instantly. So that’s a benefit, right?
I think probably the most controversial part of this type of thinking is whether or music is a distraction from your own contemplation, or helps in it. I’ve heard people who feel strongly on both sides of the topic. I’m not quite sure where I land on that. I love listening to music to help me “focus” while working, but I also think it’s not the same thing as being left to explore my own thoughts in peace. If anything, music can help guide my thoughts down particular paths or emotions, but I don’t consider it a “free space” to let my mind completely wander.
If there’s any part of this I feel strong about, I think it’s important that you develop the ability to be comfortable being alone with your thoughts. While it’s important to maintain healthy connections with your family, friends, partner, and outside world, I feel like the most important connection you should maintain is the connection you have to yourself. Even if it means just “talking to yourself” in your head and letting the thoughts go where they wanna go.
People usually frame this as a benefit for creativity but I also think it’s just…generally important to be comfortable and happy with yourself as best as you can. There's no one you're going to spend more time alone in a room with than yourself, you should try to get along.
