True to form, I keep forgetting that this exists, but eventually it might become part of my everyday life. I don't know. Maybe I'll use it a little like a journal, since cohost is not a thing for Viral Content Sharing, and it's better for my brain to have a sort of journal.
I just got out of therapy (there is no shame in going to therapy) and one of the things I was reflecting on is how I'm entering into unknown territory with my life. The first and longest era had (at least for long stretches of time) external stability but internal instability; the second era, which is the past five years or so, was marked by considerable external instability but involved working on and eventually developing true internal stability.
Now I'm in the third era, in which I've achieved a solid foundation of internal stability and pulled my life together to create external stability too.
And you might think, oh, fantastic, everything's coming together and now life is going to be easy. And there is certainly some truth to that — it is amazing how things can go wrong or fall apart, big or small issues can pop up out of the blue, and I just keep functioning and am able to weather them and solve problems while taking minimal damage a lot of the time. The work I have already done to reach where I am now is paying off, and I can't overstate how much of a difference it has made.
But I'm still learning to trust that my legs will hold me up, and I'm learning to trust that the ground around me will support my weight, and every single fundamental part of walking has to be relearned in the process, because you walk differently when you're not tensing up every step in anticipation of a fall, and you walk differently when you're having to carefully test the ground with your toes to avoid pitfalls or sharp edges or scattered glass.
(This is a metaphor; I am speaking metaphorically; my legs have not changed.)
So now I have to relearn how to live in a safe, stable environment, with a steady emotional foundation, all predicated on having developed a sense of self along with a sense of self-worth. And it's going to take more work — but it took so much work to get here and that was with the risk of falling or stepping on glass or falling down a pit, and I did that and I survived it and I came through to the other side, and I can do this, too.
Little steps.
