caught in a fair bit of melancholy rather unexpectedly, seeing music sites post up preliminary talks for their end-of-year lists, and knowing that again i will not be on any of them
the creative process has its fair share of difficulties, but every sleepless night spent bleary-eyed before my daw pales in comparison to the soulcrushing process of submitting email after email to countless blogs and websites following a release, and the several weeks that follow where every notification from my email provider shocks with a jolt of soon-dashed hope
writers have a very difficult decision in picking out their favourites, and i do not envy their position of having to turn away several dozen albums for the sake of giving one its due coverage. but there is always a small voice inside which trembles with doubt after each rejection or noted lack of coverage. that i wasn't good enough this time, by some indeterminate measure. that if i had only done something differently, maybe i could have been notable enough to deserve being shown to the eager ears of the world
it's just as much a numbers game, too. a closer listen has not been shy about their struggles to keep up with requests, and how the ambient genre alone sees up to 12 new releases a day. but, the statistics are still only one part of things. and it is that little voice which reminds me that if only i had tried a little harder, maybe i wouldn't be tossed aside and considered surplus
last month did at least see my first bit of coverage, and of course the incredible support and love of everyone who connected directly to my work that has been able to find me so far. yet i am still so very, very far away from being recognised by those who i would like to consider my peers in the genre spaces, or have opportunities to work with the labels that brought me so much inspiration and found the music that got me through some harrowingly cruel years. i am still an outsider to that world. and being that i take so much time and have a low release-volume per year, i only get so many opportunities to fail to leave an impression
i hope everyone can forgive me this moment, and that you do not take this as a lack of appreciation for being with me on this part of my lifelong journey as an artist. your support does help keep my head above the deep and cold waters. some nights just prove too persistent to keep from eroding my peace, and i have to face the heavy reality of just how far away my hopes and ambitions still are from where i stand today
