AutHAMn Leaves

keeble was posting about food aversions and processed food so now I'm in my feelings about how, like, competely fatalistic i became as of a few years ago about my ability to cook anything delicious. i just haven't had any good experiences, at least that i can remember, where i cooked something and loved it. I can sometimes cook something tolerable. Other times i fuck it up and make something intolerably bad, but i still have to clean up after myself and do the mental labor of figuring out what i'm going to eat instead. But the idea that I could make something that was like, a positive experience, that food I make can be metaphorically nourishing as well as literally, just feels like a fantasy. For me leaning so heavily on processed food is just the math of, well, if i cook it myself i can have a bad time, or a neutral time, but also expend a ton of spoons. If I heat up a frozen meal from Trader Joes I will definitely have a neutral time, sometimes even a positive time, and expend basically 0 spoons. I wish i could have a better relationship to food and cooking, but all i can do is force myself to do a task i dont like to make a meal i won't hate bc I understand abstractly that it is "better for me" in some way. like i was so proud when i made that pasta salad bc i did the thing i was supposed to do and successfully made something edible, but it wasn't, like, good or enjoyable to eat. just tolerable. i dont feel any hope that i might be able to cook food i actually like, bc the level of complexity i would have to attempt to do that i would surely fail at. yes you have to fail to get better at something but also how can i risk failure when the stakes are so impossibly high?