prefacing all of this with "people living in US culture" bc social norms vary wildly around the world. this is just the social norms that i and most people i know live within, which is the US.
sometimes i get hit with such strong feelings of anti-neurotypical chauvinism. i know its not true but it certainly feels true. like, feeling like the actual reason neurotypical people have so many communication issues with Autistic people is not because Autistic people have poorer social skills, but because neurotypical people just casually lie all the time, and Autistic people do not accept or overlook this in the way other neurotypical people do. for example, one neurotypical person says to another "hey, i dont think i can show up for you right now as a romantic partner, but i can show up for you as a friend" and the other person to understands that this is a lie but doesnt question them or try to get the truth. its a lie to protect their own egos, so they dont have to say "i changed my mind and i would prefer to be friends going forward" or even "i changed my mind and dont really want to be anything to you", and the other person doesnt have to hear that. because for some reason there is a dominant group of neurotypicals who think expressing honest preferences makes them look bad or selfish or whatever.
so then Autistic people believe their lies because why on earth would someone lie about this?? we try to integrate the lies into our understanding of the situation and it inevitably brings up contradictions (insert Phoenix Wright joke here) or in the above case, seems to be violating the other person's autonomy1. we try to ask follow up questions to understand better, assuming the fault in understanding is with us (as we have been told over and over it always is), but the person who just lied suddenly feels like they are being interrogated. The Autistic person is suddenly making them feel bad which, you guessed it, is our fault. obviously.
i know not all neurotypicals are like this--not all neurotypicals have the same problems communicating with Autistic people!--but almost every Autistic person has been the subject of inexplicable ire from a neurotypical person who refuses to give asked for clarification. There is an offensive stench on even asking clarifying questions, like that breaks some kind of social contract, and i cant help but be convinced that that social contract is "we just lie to each other about how we feel and what we need all the time and none of us call each other on it because thats easier."
This is a bad and kind of hateful thing to think about neurotypical people generally. i know some neurotypical people do value honest communication and act on those values. i guess my bitterness lies in the fact that we, our Autism, is so often blamed for an social conflict or hurt feelings that occurs around us, no matter how hard we try. the idea that this constant blame is actually a deflection of other people's poor communication skills is a very satisfying, neat answer to the perpetual puzzle of why neurotypical people are always getting mad at us. its satisfying to imagine that at the heart of this conflict, which has serious material consequences for Autistic people in the form of losing jobs, promotions, housing, and relationships, is (some) neurotypical people's insecurity and fear of being honest. it is satisfying to imagine we are the whipping girls for our entire culture's neuroses about emotional vulnerability.
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in this example the other person has not asked for any specific "showing up" or support. if they meant what they said it would be making an assumption about the other person's needs and then making a decision for them that you cant meet those imaginary needs. but bc its not actually true, they dont expect to be interrogated about it, because everyone supposedly understands that whatever you say when you are breaking up with someone or turning them down is going to be a lie.
