How did you get out here? How did you even get here?
I ran. Listen, there’s some pressing business. I’d like to propose a trade.
My husband and I have the footballs. They’re in a secure location off the field.
We know, we saw them fall off the scoreboard a few minutes ago.
I’ll give you the coordinates if you give up your players’ locations.
That’s all you want?
…
All right, sure. Gimme your map.
We got all 125 here along Northwestern. 25 right here. 50 up in Kentucky, 25 up at the Ole Miss intersection, 25 down at our intersection.
Holy shit.
Yeah we got you crunched, sorry to tell you. Good game, though. Y’all put up one hell of a fight. You had us scared for a while there!
So. The balls are here.
How did they get all the way
His name is Nick Navarro. He’s my husband, he finds a way to piss me off every goddamn day, and he’s the fastest man you’ve ever seen. In order to make it from our home field to the rest of the country, he had to run approximately five miles. He did so at a pace of three minutes, 53 seconds per mile.
What he’s attempting to now, without discussing it with me first, is run a similar distance at a little over three minutes per mile. This means he needs to somehow shave off 45 seconds for every one of those five miles. He only has 16 minutes, 53 seconds of OBT.
SIXTEEN MINUTES?
And fifty-three seconds, yeah. I see what he did. He wanted to run on pavement. It’s the closest thing to a treadmill, that’s where he always makes the best time. We’ve been sprinting through woods for so long that actually running on pavement probably feels like a miracle. It’s like swinging a baseball bat with the donut off.
He just took the balls and ran out on me a few minutes ago. All the math in the world says he can’t do this.
But right now he’s on pace to do it. I think he’s actually gonna do it, because I know that man better than anyone, and there’s nothing he loves more than being right.
You’re tellin’ stories. I’m sorry. I don’t have time for this.
I’m not.
Just watch the scoreboard.
When Ole Miss pops up into third place, you’ll know I’m not lying. Should be within the next minute.
Just watch. It’s gonna change. Watch it.
… come on babe …
