"learned helplessness" is a weird term for me because when I'm evaluating where my feelings of helplessness comes from, it creates a tendency for me to move back towards the belief of myself and my abilities I was raised with, that I can do things, and that I don't because I'm failing to break through surpassable barriers.
it's a step up from the "you're just lazy" I had in high school and college, I guess. I moved towards a trauma/learned-helplessness type framework in 2022-23, because of my environment needing me to be something I couldn't be. my roommate was getting fed up with my tendency to be almost completely useless around the house, and on top of that, having no clear plans to get a job or financial independence or move out. (for a little context, she chose to take me in after I nearly died to a suicide attempt from the stress of living with my parents. I didn't particularly have another option.)
so when I took on this framework, yeah, there were some things that improved actually. I did have my friends help me find a therapist and eventually after speaking to the therapist I found myself doing things around the house a little more consistently.
but at the same time... the improvements this led to were frankly marginal. all I really had to show for it was maybe slightly improved self care and more consistent dishwashing and taking out the trash, feeding myself, the cat. this is massive improvement, but in the face of what was needed from me, even though it's all I could give? it wasn't enough.
so my roommate started pushing. and pushing. and eventually she got mad, and she called my presence in our shared living room "demoralizing". before, I had often been crying myself to sleep in the face of my inability to take further steps, the increased strain our household was in, and how I knew I still wasn't able to do what was needed to get a job like I have to do to deserve to be alive. after this, it got even worse. i remember one particular night of crying I'm sorry I'm sorry over and over on call with my girlfriend, when I finally let myself consider the possibility of getting out of this situation with her, even though we hadn't been together for very long, and I'm terrified of being stuck in yet another terrible situation. and I let myself consider the possibility that maybe some of my helplessness isn't helpfully called learned helplessness again— after my roommate had put me in a situation where I was having to prove my worth.
and I cannot emphasize enough how badly it hurts to constantly feel like I need to be something I know can't be. you have no choice but to lie about what you're capable of, to yourself, to others. you have to believe that someday you're going to deserve to live and that the heaviness you feel in your body and the resistance to getting things done... the way it just never feels natural, it never feels routine, and it always, always feels like yet another uphill battle, no matter how many times you've done it before— you have to believe that somehow that'll all go away. what other choice is there?
it's entirely possible, I guess, that my helplessness is still "learned". but I've tried "unlearning" it, or "undoing" it. for most of my life I've wanted nothing more than to be helpful. or at least to feel like I don't constantly have to be fighting just to deserve to exist. and for me, being helpless is the way forward. Just please believe me when I say "I can't" with tears in my eyes.