to what extent is it reasonable to expect myself to switch to a delayed gratification/reward schedule (like on the scale of years potentially) for the sake of my goals which will take a substantial amount of work and probably require me to start almost excruciatingly slowly to get a grasp on. I've never had that second-marshmallow kind of drive (I'm aware that that study is bullshit). I'm also known to get very caught up in preconceptions of my capabilities that might be mutable but are highly self reinforcing. i hope I find a way to combat that in some small way soon. adapt my goals as I learn what's reasonable. learn a little at a time. feel accomplished. find balances between complex microcosmic-causality-structures within the world. move forward, ultimately. my desire to garden and to be a garden has only grown as time has gone on ever since I learned about permaculture and native seedbombing. I might need to learn to cope with the fire of recurring urgency and make it last longer, but I will find a way to make it happen.
look at the sky.
taste me, as the food and drink Alice found almost said. she was cast unto a stormshorn sunderedsea. you too will fall beneath my waves in time.
profile pic by moiwool (nonbinary color edit by me)
i should really get my foraging book and go outside so that i can begin to break down the barriers in my head that stop me from gathering my own food and then cooking and eating it. I guess i've eaten some rubus and vaccinium berries but like I wanna go further, make jams/jellies, make salads.
(i don't actually currently have my foraging book, it's in another city, but when we get my stuff over here i will look in my foraging book and figure out what i want to forage)
one of my first steps in the gardening project has actually been to try to ID the stuff in our yard thats already here. take a close look at what kinds of conditions are formed by sunlight angles, different soils (there's a few distinct sections of the yard), who grows where & researching what kinds of soils they like. theres a lot of places where like, it seems like plants arent really "supposed" to be growing there, but i kind of want to do right by what's already in the yard as best as i can. almost like there's an element of stewardship going on. of course, we may also have to remove some of what's here, like the likely nonnative grass, depending on local laws around lawns etc etc.
i just find the idea of starting gardening so damn intimidating and i really, really have to do something to better my environment with what i have, like, find a way to help out the wildlife, but this is so intimidating and i'm so bad at ongoing projects that i really don't know how far i can reasonably expect myself to get.