the lady who works admissions at Riot Games General Hospital is named beatrice the galaxy, and when she eventually does clock out and go home, she is one of this country's great romance novelists. under the pen name "hudson boxcars" she has released about 40 standalones concerning some some such of ridiculously horny evil man and his paramour who just so happens to be a secret princess from some far off kingdom or whatever the hell else. i buy every new release she puts out but honest to god i cant finish half a page without laughing. it'd be mean of me but she thinks they're just as funny. serious shit she makes that stuff as bad as she can just to see who'd actually like it. at this point it doesn't matter what she turns in, some woman who only ever listens to Pour Some Sugar On Me is gonna want it so bad she damn near shoplifts it.
im smiling as a put the kickstand on the devil's sandwich. i like bea. we have this stupid bit we like to do to say we're in on business and i'm gonna do it here so watch:
DET. BL: (kicks in the door to Riot Games General Hospital) IVE BEEN ROCKING A WHISKEY DIIIIICKKKK
DET. BL: AND I NEED TO HIT A GUYYY
DET. BL: WITH A POLICE FLASHLIIIGHT
BEA: (slams phone she was talking on down) motherFUCKER I TOLD YOU YOU CANT COME IN HERE ANYMORE!!
BEA: WHERE'S THE MONEY FOR ME AND MY DAUGHTER YOU DRUNK ?!
DET. BL: ANNNND IIIII CLIMB THE MOUNTAINNN
BEA: YOU'RE ON ALL THE WEED AND ALL THE BOOZE IN THIS RAT CITY
DET. BL: ANNNND IIIII STEAL THE ROLLS ROYYCE
DET.BL: AND IIIIII
DET.BL: CRAAAAAAAAAAAAASH
DET.BL: THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
DET. BL: SHIIIIIIIIIT
BEA: OKAY COME HERE MOTHERFUCKER COME HERE
DET. TAN: (slides in) heyyy where's the fire ahaaaa !!!
and that's how i say hi to bea. we aren't divorced and she doesn't have a daughter that's just her half of the bit. we're both crying laughing about it and tan is just smiling all "oh you old knuckleheads" like he won't do this same thing once he sees one wrinkle on his face in a few years. everybody in the waiting room looks like they just watched a bomb go off haha. sometimes you gotta keep this city on its toes and that means yelling really really really loud in a hospital.
bea goes "okay kids whats the business" and tan goes "got a bug in our brain your recent Very Important Patient cut a slice with notorious art thief shen de luca about the exotic pet thing way back" then i go "comes alongside some intel that says shen de luca's got some kinda underwater base where he does all his stupid crap in" bea goes "alright, i'll let him know you're comin" but then stops me and goes "listen go a little easy on him he's just a kid" and i go "yeah" and me and tan walk on out. we dont need to ask bea where GCHP's at, he'd obviously have arranged for the best room in the house: the gold slate stateroom.
hospitals are kind of stupid now because all admission and care is free but if you want a room that's more than 4 walls some lights a bed and a toilet you gotta pay up. gold slate is the fuck-you-money room of choice, and i'd be shocked if Might and Magic alumni didn't have this place booked up once for a week. but it's just how it is now. we're all pretty lucky things like this shook out okay even if the we healed back in a really stupid way. i suppose we got ultron to thank for all that. maybe i'll dial him next time i get laid up.
SHAKEDOWN TIME