I had, a bad dream last night
I barely remember it, but
I remember
In the dream, I remember taking these pills
That, over time they'd, make me physically regress
The effect would wear off, but every time I "grew up" again
I'd be a little different. Physically, anyway. I'd never grow all the way back up again.
And sometimes I'd, not get some things back. I remember towards the end, even after I became adult again
I couldn't eat by myself anymore. Could hardly walk. My body wasn't working the way it should anymore
I suppose it wouldn't have been too bad of a fantasy
But, Julia was there.
She kept, monitoring me. I think the pills I was taking was for anger management or something. Whatever it was for, it was bullshit. She was very interested in making me take my medications. She wanted to make me rely on her again, I think. I remember her coming up with some bullshit excuses. I don't believe her. I didn't. But I just had to. These fucking pills were just a part of my life I had to accept. I think she wanted me to be her kid again
And I couldn't, do anything about it. I remember each time I'd regress, I'd, it would make me feel so angry. I remember each time I'd feel it happen, I'd just be filled with like. Anguish? Is that the word?
I just remember. Every time. Julia would be the one taking care of me. Educating me. Living out the fantasy of having her perfect fucking family, her perfect child, and I couldn't
I couldn't fight back
Again by, the time I was done with the dream I couldn't feed myself, couldn't walk could hardly communicate, even as an "adult" again. I was so angry. I couldn't do anything. I was still there inside my useless fucking body and I couldn't do anything about it
I never wanna feel reliant on someone like her again. I hate feeling like I have to rely on anyone for basic shit but I never wanna rely on her again. I want her out of my fucking head