transcription
Taken from Kraut's English phonetic blog, with some additional stage directions.Two men, Iain and Robert, enter an elevator. The doors close.
Iain: Where's the buttons?
Robert: No, no they've installed voice recognition technology in this lift. I heard about ‘t.
Iain: Voice recognition technology? In a lift? In Scotland? Ever tried voice recognition technology?
Robert: Naw
Iain: They don't do - Sco'ish accents
Robert: Eleven
Elevator: Could you please repeat that?
Iain: Eleven
Robert: Eleven...Eleven
Iain: Eleven
Elevator: Could you please repeat that?
Robert: E-le-ven
Iain: Whose idea was this? You need to try an American accent. Eleven…Eleven.
Robert: That sounds Irish, no’ American
Iain: No, doesnae. Eleven.
Robert: Where in America's tha', Dublin?
Elevator: I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?
Robert: Try an English accent, right…Eleven…Eleven
Iain: You fae the same part o' England as Dick Van Dyke!
Robert: Let's hear yours then, smar’ arse.
Elevator: Please speak slowly and clearly
Robert: Smart arse
Iain: E-le-ven.
Elevator: I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?
Iain: Eleven. If you don't underston the lingo, away back hame yer ain country.
Robert: Oh, s'tha talk nae is it? "Away back tae yer ain country"?
Iain: Oh, don't start Mr Bleeding Heart – how can ye be racist tae a lift?
Elevator: Please speak slowly and clearly.
Robert: Eleven…Eleven…Eleven…Eleven
Iain: Ye'r jus' sayin' it the same way
Robert: I'm gonnae keep sayin' it until it understons Sco'ish, a' right?
Robert: Eleven…Eleven…Eleven…Eleven
Iain: Oh, just take us anywhere, ye cow. Just open the doors.
Elevator: This is a voice-activated elevator. Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.
Iain: Calm? Calm? Where's tha’ comin' fae? Why's it tellin' people ‘e be calm?
Robert: Because they knew they'd be sellin' this tae Sco'ish people who'd be goin' aff their nuts at it.
Elevator: You have not selected a floor.
Robert: Aye, we hav - ELEVEN!
Elevator: If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor, simply say "Open the doors please"
Iain: Please? Please? Suck ma wullie.
Robert: Maybe we should have said please.
Iain: I'm no begging that fer nothin'.
Robert: Open the doors please.
Iain: Please..pathetic.
Elevator: Please remain calm.
Robert: Oh fu……wud ye let me up tae that… get me up there…right, jus wait fer it tae speak…
Robert climbs up on Iain's shoulders.
Elevator: You have not selected a floor.
Robert: Up yours, ye cow! You don't let us out these doors, I'm gonnae come tae America, I'm gonnae find whatever desperate actress gave yer voice, and I'm gonnae go tae the electric chair fer ye.
Iain: Scotland, ye bastards.
Robert: SCOTLAND!
Iain: SCOTLAND!
Robert: SCOOOOTLAND!
Iain: FREEDOM!
Robert: FREEDOM!
Iain: FREEDOM!
Doors open. People standing outside waiting.
Iain: Goin' up?
