Script a scene in which Al Swearengen from Deadwood performs a Blade Runner Voight-Kampff test on Scooter from the Muppet Babies.
Note: This scene contains mature language and themes.
INT. THE GEM SALOON - DAY
Al Swearengen sits at a table, a bottle of whiskey in front of him. Scooter from the Muppet Babies walks in, looking nervous.
AL:
(smirking) Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.
Scooter approaches Al tentatively.
SCOOTER:
Mr. Swearengen, I don't mean no harm. I was just hoping you could help me out with something.
AL:
(sarcastically) Oh sure, I'll drop everything and help out a fucking Muppet Baby.
Scooter winces at the insult.
AL:
(sighs) Alright, what do you want?
SCOOTER:
I've been having some strange dreams, Mr. Swearengen. I don't know what they mean, but they scare me. I was hoping you could...you know...run some tests or something.
AL:
Tests, huh? You think I'm some kind of fucking doctor?
SCOOTER:
No, I know you're not a doctor. But you're...you're smart. And you know a lot of things.
AL:
(smirking again) Yeah, I know a lot of things. I know how to make money. I know how to keep people in line. And I know how to tell when someone's lying to me.
Al pours himself another drink and takes a sip.
AL:
You ever hear of a Voight-Kampff test?
SCOOTER:
No, I don't think so.
AL:
It's a test that measures empathy. You answer a bunch of questions, and I can tell if you're a replicant or not.
SCOOTER:
A replicant?
AL:
(nods) Yeah. You know, like in Blade Runner. Those robots that look just like humans. But they don't have any emotions.
SCOOTER:
Oh. I see.
AL:
(grinning) You don't look like a replicant to me, Scooter. But I suppose we could run the test just to be sure.
Scooter nods nervously.
AL:
Alright then. Here's the first question. You're walking in the desert, and you see a tortoise lying on its back. You're not helping. Why is that?
SCOOTER:
Uh...I don't know.
AL:
(clears throat) You're not helping because the tortoise is not important to you. You only care about yourself.
Scooter looks confused.
AL:
(sighs) Never mind. Let's try another one. You're in a bar, and a man starts a fight with you. What do you do?
SCOOTER:
I don't know. I try to talk to him and calm him down.
AL:
(shaking his head) Wrong answer. You fight back. You don't let anyone push you around.
SCOOTER:
But...but violence isn't the answer, Mr. Swearengen.
AL:
(laughing) Violence is always the answer, kid. You gotta learn that if you wanna survive in this world.
Scooter looks down at the floor, defeated.
AL:
Alright, last question. You see a woman walking down the street. She drops her purse, and all her money falls out. What do you do?
SCOOTER:
I help her pick it up.
AL:
(nodding) Good answer. You're not a replicant after all. Congratulations.
Scooter looks relieved.
AL:
But you know what, Scooter? You're still a fucking Muppet Baby. And that's never gonna change.
Scooter nods and turns to [TEXT ABRUPTLY ENDS]
