lys bedsores

the fuzzie tingle at the end of my lips, the cold air (it's always cold), parched pervasively, the dry crunch of snack foods, the smell of a car, and the road. drove so much on so little sleep for so long. the urge to smoke as early as possible, the flat weight of my stomach, the intense and distant gaze i get with eyes 3/4 closed and the amphetamines in my system. i was really unkind to my body for a lot of years. i'd play a show in brooklyn and leave at 11:30pm to make the four hour drive home, just to sleep badly in my bed instead of badly at a stranger/acquaintance's house. a kind of thrumming in my heart, now quieted by the rest my life is now built around. maybe it was worth it to be in a new place, i still long to be somewhere i don't know. even without the coffee, it's a sickening place. i didn't expect to get hit with nostalgia for sleep deprivation.