i'm glad i don't feel like i have to have sex with my friends in order to establish love and community anymore!! but i am also glad i can just have sex with my friends as a chill and joyful confirmation of bonds we already have!!,
more thoughts under the cut but i'm happy.
i am really glad to not be young and trans anymore. coming out was the first way i found myself treated desirable, so i had a lot of sex. i thought sex was the way to have, really, any meaningful experience. so i got into things with a lot of people, some of whom treated me better than others. i did things i didn't want to do all the time, because i didn't know i didn't want to do them, or i didn't know how to not want to do something, or because i didn't know what wanting to do a thing was like. i was very depressed and so took shortcuts to joy and intimacy and communion. i accreted community pussy-first, because that's how i thought i would find love and belonging in the world.
sex is cool! but this is way too much pressure to put on sex. so i became extremely sex-repulsed and remained celibate for five years. when i started gaining weight i fell in love with having a body again, and having a sex drive, and having sex. it feels like i got a second chance at doing it in ways that worked for me, in romantic and non romantic settings. and that owns. i feel really blessed.