One thing that has come up several times as I discuss possible name changes in my future is that there is more than just the meaning inherent in each atom of the name. Yes, Madison holds the delightful gender fuckery of "it means Matthew's Son, but was rendered feminine for someone my age due to Splash (1986), and yet is heading neutral for younger generations". Yes, Jesse was my first dog's name. Yes, Scott-Clary is a hyphenation of my and JD's last names, and yes, when someone offered a coarse translation of 'Clary' into Malagasy and back into English, it came up 'Rampitantsoratra/Holder of Writings' and I have latched onto that.
Take, then, those together! Look to the past: Madison hails back to who I used to be — I am literally the 'son' of my deadname, Jesse is my first dog, long dead, kicked in the heart by a deer. Scott is my dad's last name, Clary a reference to a clerk (or cleric), who holds that which is already written.
Look to the future: Madison becomes a hopeful goal, an exhortation to grow beyond what I was. Jesse embodies my care for my dogs. Scott is a reclamation of a side of the family I have drifted from the most, and Clary references my goals as a writer.
But it's also more than just that.
Madison Scott-Clary is just...an author's name. It just is! Is it the double-barrel last name? Is it the caesura implied by the 'tt-C'? The dactyl and trochee separated by 'Scott', which is somehow both first and last name? Add in Jesse and you get a taste of that trochaic meter that leads to a rushing, eager, unrestrained (or perhaps barely restrained) feeling.
For that reason, I will probably keep it for a pen-name. It is just too good to pass up. I am not going to keep it for my day-to-day name, though.
Madison is good, I like that one. I will likely keep it.
Jesse, though? I loved her, I am told, but I do not remember her. In fact, the only thing I can remember is my mom waking me up, bringing me to her bedroom and sitting me down on the bed so that she could tell me that Jesse was dead, had been kicked in the heart by a deer, that my stepdad had buried her somewhere in the back yard. I remember her hugging me under the covers, a big, poofy, white duvet, while we cried. She cried out of grief, I cried out of confusion. It is one of the only memories I have of that house.
And Scott! I love my dad, I promise myself, but I do not speak with him. I came up with the quip some years back that he seemed like he did not want a son, he wanted a buddy. We grew closest when I was finally able to drink. We drifted apart as I grew into my own, and while he is nominally fine with me having transitioned, that seems to have played a role.
Clary...well.
So, what do I aim for in a new name if the only draw for keeping my current one is that it sounds like a name an author might have?
A lot of my thoughts are bound up in meaning that is important to myself rather than necessarily meaning bound up in an existing name. I have talked some about virtue names and their meaning in a Quaker sense, but I also just plain like having a name that describes something I do or aim to do or focus on. It is a name that owns inherent meaning in a way that names in the west have largely stopped doing.
Progress is a good last name for this, yes, but also it touches on a lot of the plurality thoughts that have been super relevant of late. Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress, yes? Someone already calls me 'Miss Progress', right?
This also shows in some of the choices I have had for middle names: Artemisia or Juniper. My reasons for Juniper have largely fallen by the wayside (it was originally because I was fascinated with the flavor, and I was fascinated with the flavor mostly because of gin). The genus Artemisia is something that has circled around my existence for years and years now, showing up in my dreams, my art, my writing, my day-to-day life.
And so Madison Artemisia Progress? That is pretty neat! Witchy! Transcore! The mouthfeel is pretty good, too, though not quite as author-y, and I am still considering its overall aesthetic. One with a better mouthfeel but with less overall meaning is Madison Rye Progress.
The point here is less coming up with a name, and more settling into this process of exploration and revelry at the very fact that I get to come up with a name, that it will be something about me people I have never met can see and form opinions about, and I get to shape those opinions by picking the atoms, the structure, the gestalt. It is all very exciting.
