it’s funny, looking back at the start of the year. i wrote this whole thing about how everything was going to be bigger and better and all of my projects were doing to advance to new stages and it was gonna be a great year for me, and then, uh… everything kind of collapsed?
i mean, it’s not like there weren’t good parts. i made a bunch of new close friends, i got to see a lot of cool people for the first time, i got to travel to a bunch of new places, and i definitely succeeded with my sticker plans at least, being able to open a store and make a bunch of new art with it. but overall this year ended up being one where i had to cope with a lot of new and resurfaced trauma, and figuring out a lot regarding identity, anxiety and gender.
work continues to be awful, a relationship i was in ended up being extremely abusive towards me and many others (and now that i’m away from it it’s a lot easier to call it that…), the combination of several problems resulted in a pretty bad burnout phase, i realized that my former non-binaryness was kind of just me lying to myself because it felt safer than trying to be a girl, and while i did get to see friends throughout this year the whole year ended up plagued with a vague sense of loneliness that was hard to push away.
more recently with the help of a couple of friends i pushed myself to start hrt, which has been a whole journey within itself and it’s barely even started yet. every emotion feels weird and more intense and a lot of traumatic past events have dragged themselves out of the back of my head which i’m still not really sure how to cope with. but y’know i’m growing boobs now, so who;s to say if it’s really bad or not,?? also i feel cuter now even though everyone already calls me cute. it actually feels believable in my head now. i have a lot of weird feelings about that.
really, everything right now just feels like a big old question mark. i know what i need but i have no idea how to get there yet. mostly i just need time, space and peace to experiment and figure myself out, things i don’t really have good access to yet. so i need to figure that one out! i’ll get there, slowly. i’m starting to feel a bit more confident in my ability to do things again. try and get a new job that makes me happier, look into opportunities to move out of my family’s house, make local friends for support, those are my general goals for next year. we’ll see how those go.
in terms of projects like my comfy tv server and my stickers, i am of course still ferociously working on those and i have ambitious plans for them - drawing my recent rabbit stickers has been very good to relax with and i want to ramp up watchparties again to hang out with friends more - but i’m not making the same mistake i did last year and burning myself out from trying to make them work. life is the current priority and i have to hold myself to that. i’m probably going to be less around social media stuff (i already have been thanks to… uh, well i don’t need to remind you of what’s going on there. it’s been nice staying a bit more private and connecting more with friends.)
in general i just want to thank everyone who’s been here for me and supporting me this year. this was a year where i relied on friends the most and they helped me in ways i would have never expected. it’s… honestly a little wild that i’m in the social circles i’m in considering everything i do and am feels so wildly different from everyone else, but i’m learning more to just accept and appreciate it rather than question it.
in particular i need to thank kat, mark, snow, duck., morgane, avery, violet, esp, the sunroses, kit, kaito/katie, raspberry, dx, es, jewel, taro, maple (no not me, the other maple), everyone in tigerwrld and the notitg mods clubbe, everyone who was at nova 2022, julie, kimberly, holly, alice, everyone new i met and befriended this year (seriously there were a lot of you wtf), and just, everyone who generally seems to care about this weird rabbit that somehow still exists.
i’d also like to thank queen elizabeth II for giving me the most entertainingly interesting holiday experience ever by Fucking Dying, bandai namco for releasing pac man museum +, dr pepper cream soda for simply existing, elena fortune for being EXTREMELY generous with her stickers, 4mat, silentroom and frums for making like the best albums / songs i’ve heard this year (i know 4mat’s album isn't from this year but i don’t care), arcaea / lowiro for both enlightening and breaking me apart, and probably several other things im forgetting but if i try to remember and continue them i’m going to be here forever, and it’s new year’s eve and i want to do things like watch glass onion and fuck around with fuser.
here’s to whatever next year holds - it is supposedly the year of the rabbit, so maybe it’ll be good for me. :p
