josie :3!!!

even thinking about the "lesser" incidents will start raising my heart and breathing rates, induce stimming/compulsive grooming type behaviors i have to stop myself doing, etc so i know that there's a lot of incompletely-processed stuff there (or maybe you just never get over some of these things...? great)

it's hard to tell in any kind of objective way how much something "actually traumatized" me, though, so maybe i just use this framework of thought because it allows me to think about the trauma without runaway negative thoughts and feelings driving me into a panic attack? and it does accomplish that, just by way of being able to tell myself "jesus girl, you did that to yourself by being ignorant/stupid/disrespectful/loud/etc, the fact you almost died is barely relevant" and thus terminate my ability to feel sorry for myself about it.

hmmm...