🌹🦌

I have been having a very strange time of the college thing in the way that like

my high school experience was an absolute tragedy, I was traumatized from losing my mom as a child and being further traumatized by the school system, undiagnosed a whole bunch of things, being emotionally abused at home, my peers made clear that they thought I was a stupid disgusting queer even before I was out to myself about anything. I stopped doing homework entirely in middle school and didn't resume until I was at risk of not having enough credits to graduate because whenever I thought I was doing my best, I would be told I wasn't because I wasn't performing flawlessly. I pretty much carried on the impression of being a dumb slacker into the workforce because what else am I supposed to do when everyone I know thinks I'm at least one of them?

over a decade after graduating high school I'm...getting high marks, on the president's list three times in a row, admitted to an honors society? Kind of enjoying the struggle of writing an academic essay and feeling satisfied with my work when I'm done (even though I was always absolute dog ass at the five paragraph type high school essay), turning everything in to my online classes before the last minute, even as I have to budget my time with work? genuinely craving to be able to quit working and focus on classes? I really don't mean to brag and I hate sounding like I'm begging for praise, it's just that.

it's very...difficult to understand. I feel somewhat emotionally strained to have things go well against all odds. the honors and president's list things just scare me because I think that I'm going to lose them soon. I don't understand what's happening but it definitely seems incorrect

no I am not seeing a therapist, yes I do need to. as they say: lmao