don't really have a dedicated vent space atm so this will have to do I apologize
returning to tumblr unfortunately wound up with me stumbling on an old friends account from nearly a decade ago and i've been kind of spiralling about all the friendships and communities I've lost all evening as a result.
like it's... a lot... I've had a hard time with people for various reasons, some of which I can blame them for but a lot of which is also on me not handling things well and sigh... even now it's something I'm troubled by, I had to cut off a very dear friend due to my feelings for them becoming too intense and unhealthy for me and sometimes it really feels like a small wonder that I have the friends I do have at the moment.
I wish I could reconnect but many of those people don't want anything to do with me anymore which I can respect, but I just wish I'd handled things better all those years ago, and even now I wish I had more control over my emotions.
I feel like I have all these holes that can never be refilled and right now I don't know how to make new friends... but I've felt like this before and found people again, even if that hasn't always worked out, so I imagine I will again someday, and hopefully I won't screw it up that time.
