i remember the first piece of music i ever wrote. i was in sixth grade. the piece was comprised solely of 2nd inversion chords (a reorganized triad with the 5th as the lowest note). i did not know this distinction at the time. i didn't know the specific chords i was playing. all i knew is that i liked the sound of it. i liked how it felt to play. it felt impressive. yet, it still didn't feel like it was mine. it didn't feel like it was my decision to write it.
my parents are both professional musicians. my mother, a music teacher, and my father, a drummer. they are both complex individuals, but as parents, they mostly did their collective best. they had three children together: my older sister, Anna, my older brother, Max, and then me (Miles).
when we were 10, 8, and 4 (respectively), my parents enrolled us in the local swim team despite our protests against it. why would we want to attend a 2-hour swim practice every week night, and wake up at 5am every Saturday for meets during the summer months. we repeated that same schedule for the next 10 years.
when i was in 1st grade, my mother enrolled me in piano lessons. in 3rd grade, i was enrolled in violin lessons. 6th grade, i started drum lessons. 8th grade, voice lessons. it was never my choice. i never questioned it, either. i just assumed that this was what every kid did.
as a result of the high number of activities (in addition to an ADHD diagnosis that my parents had no idea how handle), my school grades were absolutely terrible. why would i care about school when the clearly more important tasks were outside of it. my parents would get messages from my teachers about missing assignments, and then interrogate me as to why i hadn't finished the work.
on top of juggling everything else, i was told that i was going to be joining a children's theater company in 7th grade (which my sister had done a few years prior). for two years during the spring and autumn seasons, i rehearsed every other night in a town 50 minutes away. each season, our company performed in over 30 locations across the Midwest. at the end of my fourth season, i was about to enter high school, where bigger and better performances lied ahead. my mother graciously allowed me to retire from the children's theater.
high school began, and with it started musicals, band, choir, marching band, jazz band, madrigal, vocal jazz (yes really), chordsmen, percussion ensemble, pep band, drama club, etc. my brain was noisy. so many things to do. i became an expert at compartmentalization. why think about school when i had a rehearsal right afterwards? why think about a big exam on Friday when i had a performance on Saturday? my GPA was awful and grades and assignments were now viewable online thanks to a website called Infinite Campus. my mother would check every day. she would ask me about a late assignment or bad grade every day. i was given a tutor. i was to go there every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening before any rehearsals. this tutor, however, soon became one of my best friends.
she was my neighbor across the street. she had never been a tutor before. as our sessions began, she quickly realized that i was overwhelmed with every aspect of my life. she would use these sessions as moments to teach me how to relax, refocus, and ease the burden of the world. yes, she taught me how to take notes and study for school, but she also taught me how to cook. she taught me how to enjoy the simplest and quietest moments of life. she became my second mother, and still is to this day.
all that said, the damage to my grades at this point was irreversible. i ended high school with a ~1.9 GPA. i had absolutely no clue what to do with my life. i applied, auditioned, and was accepted to a few music programs in the state of Wisconsin, but i was completely and utterly burnt out with music. i had no energy left to be interested or engaged in what felt like a new way my parents found to control the direction of my life.
my ultimate rebellion against my parents wasn't drugs or alcohol (which i certainly did partake in to ease the stress in both middle school and high school), it was attending the local community college with the goal of becoming a business major. i had been conditioned my entire life to focus on music so this decision was as liberating as it was depressing. in defiance of my parents' wishes, i spent the next two years trying to become a "Business Person" (whatever that means).
surprisingly, i became a good student during community college. without the constant slew of extra-curricular activities, i was able to focus on my school work and study. to maintain consistency, i still saw my tutor twice a week. it was during one of those sessions that i showed my tutor a piece of music i was working on for a friend's school game project. after listening, she turned to me and said "you need to pursue music. stop kidding yourself, Miles." i applied for music school the following week and attended the next fall. i have a degree in music composition now. i am a full time composer and teacher now.
i think what i needed all along was for someone other than my parents tell me to pursue music. to feel like that decision came from anyone besides them. now i fool myself every day into thinking that it was my choice, and not my parents'. i am grateful for all of the training and support they gave me growing up. at the same time, i sometimes wish i could have stumbled upon music organically rather than having been forced to do it. i wish i could have been a normal kid for a little while.
my pursuit of a career in music took me all across the country. it led me to multiple ERs, unsolved chronic symptoms, suicidal ideation, therapists, anti-depressants, and thousands of dollars of medical debt. that's a story for another time though.
i spent a good amount of my life thinking i was stupid because i didn't have aptitude in other subjects. it became so entrenched in my mind that i still think i'm stupid sometimes, and that really hurts. that did some damage! wow! my tip for parents: let your kid explore subjects that you aren't interested in. sometimes they just need to find things out for themselves. in other words, sometimes you need to let them "fuck around and find out."
i am the result of an extremely privileged youth. my middle-class parents spent most of their money and time on their children. they loved me enough to sacrifice their busy schedules for my benefit. that is something a lot of people don't have growing up, and, as i've said already, i am very grateful.
if you made it this far into reading this, i am sorry.
