i don't have much to say this month because field season is here! and frankly last year felt so difficult (mentally/emotionally) that i'm spending a lot of time coming up with ways to improve my mental state on these work trips.
it's easy for me to be brave about things when i have no idea what it'll be like, but i don't have that luxury anymore and am feeling a lot more worried about everything. i've been doing this work for like, a long time and it has been getting more painful every year. my first few seasons we had hotel rooms every night, the hours were shorter, and even as a subcontractor the cash money was incredible. each hitch was a fun little jaunt even if i had to share a room. now it is always camping, which takes a lot more effort and supplies; packing and unpacking to move locations every day, out in all weathers, exhausted from 12-16 hours of outdoor work, completely filthy with no chance to wash for 10 days at a stretch, low appetite from eating only dried food and too much salt, and the pay barely keeps up with inflation.
so, there's only so much energy i have left to try and be happier. who i'm working with matters a lot though i will always miss having real alone time (it's been 3 years at this point). i'm bringing music and books and a sketchbook that i might not have free time for. more variety of caffienated drinks to mix since it really does make a big difference in my mood. my body has held up this long but my ability to tolerate feeling bad all the time has not. i wish i had drugs lol.