wolf-apparatus
@wolf-apparatus
Man Invents Completely Fucking Impossible-to-Load Film Camera

March 2, 1925 - Wetzlar, Hesse, Germany
Oskar Barnack of the Leitz optical works in Wetzlar announced today that his upcoming "Leica" miniature camera will be completely fucking impossible to load.

The camera, which allows for thirty-six 36 x 24 mm exposures on standard cinema film, if you can ever get that bullshit in there properly, is expected to be available for purchase later in the year. Film is expected to be available in pre-cut lengths inside single-use metal cartridges from a variety of manufacturers, and Leitz will also produce reusable cartridges that can be reloaded by any cinema-supply house. Both options, of course, will be completely goddamn incompatible with the Leica, which is designed to be assembled in place around the film because there's no fucking way in Hell you're ever going to be able to load it yourself.

Mr. Barnack confirmed that the Leica's loading process sucks ass due to the tighter tolerances required by miniature cameras. Unlike with every other stupid fucking photographic device on the planet, the Leica cannot be loaded by opening the back, pulling the film across the gate to a take-up spool, and closing the back, since that would allow for the possibility of actually being able to put some fucking film in it.

Mr. Barnack further stated that the Leica has a "stupid-ass delicate flower" of a film transport and that he "hoped" that designing the camera to jam (requiring the user to open the shutter and manipulate the film directly), fail to properly take-up the film when advanced, damage the sprocket holes in the film, or sometimes even all three would prevent anyone dumb enough to buy one from actually loading film into it, and thereby protect the state-of-the-art mechanical device.

A representative of the Leitz company confirmed these statements, and added that Leitz recommends that cameras be sent to an authorized Leica service technician for in-depth servicing such as calibrating its goofy-ass focal plane shutter or replacement of photographic materials, since, once again, there's absolutely no chance you're going to be able to do it yourself without getting really pissed off and breaking the expensive fucking piece of shit.


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