Shit. I've told you the computer parts story, right?
The what?
New York? Computer parts? Not ringing a bell?
If you have, I don't remember.
Oh God! There's no way I haven't told you, but whatever, whatever, okay. I have to tell you the computer parts story.
Ha! Okay, all right.
So an old teammate of mine told me this story. I guess back in 2000 or something, he was housesitting for his uncle. His uncle had this apartment in Tribeca, he worked for the NFL. He didn't know what his uncle did for the NFL exactly, but he made good money.
Well he was in Tribeca, I'd bet so.
Right? I know. So at this point this kid is like 19. And when you're 19, obviously it's like the dream of a lifetime to go visit NYC and have some swank-ass place all to himself.
Oh absolutely.
So he's there for like a few days, and all of a sudden he gets a call from his uncle. And his uncle is like, "listen, you've got to do something for me. You've got to take some stuff that's in my freezer and take it to my office on Park Avenue." And he's like, "can't you send someone else to do it?" And he's like, "no, no, it's kind of a secret, I kind of fucked something up and I just got busy and never got around to bringing it to the office, and now they're wondering where it is. So you need to meet my buddy there and deliver it to him. I'd have someone else do it if I could, but I'm in a jam" or whatever.
Okay.
So he's like, "okay," and he looks in the freezer. And since it's this swanky apartment, he's got a full-size standing freezer, it's not just your regular fridge-freezer things.
Sure.
And he opens it up and it's full of piss.
.
.
What?
[laughing] It's full of actual piss, it's full of all these little vials of urine samples.
What the fuck?
So it turns out ...
... that his uncle is an official in charge of collecting urine samples from NFL players.
He just kept 'em at his place?
I guess! I guess! I don't know. Apparently he was kind of a fuckup or something. He just, I guess he just thought it was just as good as storing them in the office and he just never got around to testing them. So that ends up with him having literally an entire freezer full of NFL piss.
Holy shit.
So this kid doesn't really know what to do. He gets the huge rolling suitcase he traveled with and he just starts dumping the vials in there, and then he heads to the subway. He gets off at some station in Midtown. And this suitcase is apparently really heavy, because I mean it's filled with liquid. And when he's rushing up the subway steps, he can hear the glass rattling around and breaking. So I mean, this entire plan is going to Hell.
Oh man. Oh no.
And he was in one of those stations where you have to go up like three different sets of stairs. And the last one, he's halfway up, and some guy asks him like, "hey, you want me to help with that?" So he grabs the other end and helps him carry it up.
See, New Yorkers always had this bad reputation. I always thought everyone was really cool there
Shh! Shush.
Okay.
So they're halfway up the steps, and the guy asks him, "damn, this thing is heavy. What the Hell do you have in here anyway?"
And of course, he's not about to tell him it's full of urine samples. So he just blurts out, "computer parts!"
Computer parts.
Yeah. And then so, immediately. Without a second of hesitation.
The guy hits him in the face and runs off with the bag.
.
.
.
[laughter]
And he told me the sight of him running off with the bag in a hurry, just couldn't wait to make off with it.
God, that's too good. That is too good. I'm like positive you never told me that one.
