there's a strange way in which supposedly progressive cis allies fall behind clueless every day folks with no knowledge of transgender issues. namely, the use of binary pronouns is gatekept behind request - but only for people they can tell are transgender.
let's talk about why using "they" is a fantastic idea, and why more people are using it more often, and also where using it ranges from rude to casually transphobic.
10 years ago, it was totally common that if you watched a twitch stream with someone playing games with anonymous strangers, the streamer would refer to every opponent as "he". after all, gaming spaces are male dominated. "he" is probably correct. nowadays, that's more obviously wrong. even though plenty of women and non-binary people were playing games even back then, both are more visible now and the idea of presuming everyone is a man until proven otherwise is obviously silly. now, when i visit a hearthstone streamer i haven't watched in 7 years, he will have changed from calling each opponent "he" to calling each opponent "they" - because there's no way to know what the appropriate pronoun is. this is a great change, i'm here for it.
however. this idea that "if you don't know someone at all, use they" has morphed into something very specific for an uncomfortable number of allies. these are the people who will not ever refer to any cis person they meet as "they", instead the usual gender signifiers are read into and 'he' or 'she' is assigned accordingly. this is mostly accurate, though i'm sure some people they meet then need to say "hey, actually i only use they/them".
on the other hand, if these allies meet someone transgender, the word "they" is used like a shield. for some reason, there's a discomfort to using "she" or "he" in the same unthinking way that it is used for cis people. "i can use they/them if i've not been TOLD otherwise", they reassure themselves.
so that leads to my experience: i can meet someone, introduce myself with my name, a woman's name. dressed in distinctly feminine women's clothes. my body shape is most similar to that of a cis woman. my voice is significantly feminine. in my experience meeting hundreds of cis people in real life, literally all of them refer to me as a woman - gendered terms like "dear" or "hen" and "miss" or "ma'am". allies that are well read up though, use they. all these signs of gender are irrelevant, to them, until i grovel. i must tell them explicitly, i use she/her pronouns.
i don't think it ever occurs to these allies what a miserable life that would be for a binary trans person, if everyone that clocked me told me as much by using 'they' until i pleaded for 'she'.
so my advice to cis allies that want to make trans lives easier is that yes, use they/them for people you absolutely don't know. but also, use social cues. what pronouns do other people use to refer to this person? what gender is appropriate for their name? how are they presenting? nevermind the stuff they can't control about their appearance, what about all the things they can control - what way do those lean? does it ALL point in one direction? this is a sign. this is not nothing. when you spend time with someone in real life, even if they have not point blank told you pronouns, you do not "not know them at all".
it's true that on occasion you may 'he' a trans masc non-binary person who exclusively uses 'they/them', for example, but unless you intend to 'they' every person you meet until they clarify otherwise, it is either that or misgender every binary trans person until they tell you pronouns. which again, please think about how gruelling that existence would be.
please do better. thank you.
