covering a dynamic of generalized dysphoria i experience, if you're experienced with generalized dysphoria then you already know where this is going but if you've only ever heard of "dysphoria" in reference to "gender dysphoria" you might not know what im talking about, or might know it as a concept/feeling but not realize there's a term for it.
post unrolls for potentially-upsetting talk about gender dysphoria, generalized dysphoria, and body dysmorphia. homophobic slur written out to refer to it being applied to me. potential fuel for ED relapse. unroll with caution.
basically whatever is of "now" or "the bad point", always feels wrong. i was weak and that helped all of that happen to me, so i must get stronger. whatever my current level of strength on any day, it can never be strong enough because that's how strong i am right now, and now is wrong, and i can never get weaker, because weak is wrong.
to counter this, we have gender dysphoria coming in. im intersex and have gigantism, so my relationship with gender is always going to be fucked up in this society, but it comes a little harder for me than you might think.
when i am strong, due to my size and androgynous build, any show of muscle or hair makes me get parsed in public as a huge man. i mean, im 6'7, mixed-pattern balding, and have a bass voice, it's not a terribly far stretch for most people, even if it's influenced by not knowing "balding" isn't men-exclusive. however, obviously my own brain runs with this a lot further.
it's already absurdly difficult to find clothing that fits at my size right now, and that's after shedding a lot of size, so for practical reasons (not being able to drop $50 for a single shirt) i should keep losing weight. most "tall" clothing i have ever found below specialty pricing is mens' "large tall" and "extra large tall" clothes, and that's by luck ive found any at all. since i have tits, "mens' extra large tall" clothes are a bit harder to hit, and it's not likely ill be able to wear those shirts properly without a binder ever.
my brain runs with this. since whatever is "now" about me/my life is wrong, my recent ability to fit in shirts at the thrift store was my goal, until i could do it. now, the shirts at the thrift store are bad, because they fit. i must lose weight to fit in more, but i know that's not going to do anything productive because ill hate fitting in those shirts too. in fact, looking at previous trends, any way my body was during a non-bad time is fair game for a "better goal" because it's not what it's like now.
now we run back into it all being at-odds. me being stronger is "right", stronger requires exercise, exercise burns fat. i can't afford enough food to stay fat while exercising, and really i dont want to stay this weight, nor do i want to (or could afford to) eat that much food ever again. however, losing more weight means more looks about my period, more salvation army bell-ringer calling me a faggot for my long hair instead of for being in full drag, more looking in the mirror and seeing my muscles instead of fat id prefer.
2017-2019 was a "less bad than usual" period in my life, i was 6'2~6'5 (heights re-estimated from photography, they weren't measured then), 330~380 lbs, and for the first time in my life, had a healthy amount of sex hormone in my body. i despised how i looked at the time, i look at those photos now and i ache to look like her, not because things got worse, but because i don't look like that anymore. the woman in those photos looks like how i should look.
im currently 6'7 and 320 pounds, at the strongest ive been in my entire life. im definitely still fat, with my current skeletal dimensions a "minimum healthy weight" as estimated by doctor would be 220~250 pounds. but im not fat enough anymore, it's not in the spots id like to see it, and im not strong enough yet. my legs lost size from loss of weight, then now ballooned to their previous size from muscle underneath. i can feel the muscles on their way, and i dont want to see them come.
this is all a very reduced overview of it. funnily, my gender dysphoria is probably the least strong dysphoria i have, by far the worst is about location. if you've heard of habitual flight, the constant need to leave, that's me, now. i am fine, actually happy, with being a woman with an upper bass voice, despite disliking how people take it. i hate being huge and that's only getting worse, but for now that's not as bad. i actually kind of like balding? it pushes me to customize my hair in ways i wouldn't have otherwise. there's much more awful ways this presents, but the gist is that if it's true, it's bad until it's not true anymore.
this is all to say, i do not want to be more muscular, i do not want to stop getting stronger, i cannot stay fat and get stronger, choosing one makes the other get far worse, i hate being like this, and the only change that'll come is the details of what i hate.
